Making Progress

Matt & I spent the day yesterday finishing up some home study paperwork, getting it notarized and mailing it off. It's been hard to have a separate home study agency from our actual adoption agency. We essentially have had to work with 3 different agencies to do this. It has definitely slowed down our process. We are trying to finish up our required reading as well. This "Adoption Parenting" book is a great source of education. It's like an encyclopedia on adoption. It is mostly written for the person adopting a younger child/infant but it does talk about older child adoptions as well. I am still wading through the waters of my uncertain feelings right now. I am getting passed the initial feelings of excitement to the latter feelings of reality. I am by nature a "realist". I try to never have dreamy notions of things for fear that I will be disappointed and then not be able to cope or accept the reality. I know that God has called us to this without a doubt, but I do have legitimate "fears". Not only am I concerned for Ashlyn and all that she is going to endure and for mine and Matt's ability to properly handle that, I am also trying to think ahead to how this is going to impact our current children. I think that "twinning" her with Alex would be harder if Alex was a girl. He is a strong, mature young man. I don't think she will pose much of a threat to him. We have been advised to not let her know that she is the "oldest". Realistically, she will most likely not even be as socially/emotionally/developmentally mature as our 9-year-old daughter. Our 6-year-old is my biggest concern and we are going to have to find a way to spend more time with him, communicating with him and making sure he is as prepared as possible. He (and our 2-year-old) won't be travelling with us to get her and he was the only one who originally showed resistance to this decision. He has accepted it now and even shows a lot of excitement, but he's just too young and it's still too far off for him to really grasp it. I just worry that he will feel misplaced somehow. He's such a love-bug. His heart is so tender. He still needs a lot of attention. There are just so many things to consider when adopting, and does anyone REALLY process ALL of those things beforehand? I mean, we knew ahead of time what many families were dealing with. We have several friends who have adopted, and some who have adopted older children. But, I don't think we let ourselves really face ALL of the the hard realities straight away. I replied to a question (on a y*hoo group) someone had about considering older child adoption a while back. I told her that I wouldn't suggest listening to a lot of the hard stories right away. Some of it is beneficial in deciding if it's right for you, but some of it is down right scary and could hinder your ability to listen to God's calling. Another reader commented back that I should not be adopting in the first place if other people's stories could scare me away like that. I didn't want to argue with her. We are afterall, on the same team (as she has adopted older children as well). It's not her place to be judging other's decisions, and I really took her unkind words hard. It sent me into a tailspin of emotions. I was shocked at how rude she was, yes, but also at how quickly I could be "ruffled" by someone else's opinion of me and my personal convictions. I was convicted of how many times in the past I might've been judgemental towards someone elses decisions. At the end of the day, we are all just humans. I know when the enemy is on my heels and I know the Source of my strength, but I am still just a human being at the end of the day. I love what Adeye had to say on her blog today @ www.nogreaterjoymom.com. If you haven't read it, stop over and do so. I am aware that this decision to adopt an older child was not initiated by me, but by my Heavenly Father. I will not be able to weather the storms on my own and i have to be ok with the fact that there WILL be storms. I have to keep reminding myself that He will calm the storms of my life and He ALLOWS the storms in my life. My biggest desire is that I would be able to trust Him even more; that I would not be afraid. That I would move ahead confidently, keeping my eyes fixed on HIM. Please pray for peace in my heart today. I still look at those eyes and see a precious child. A chosen child. A helpless life who has to endure WAY more than me. Just think about the storms in her life and she doesn't know the One who holds her... yet.