Saturday, November 5, 2016
RAD
I've considered going back and deleting all of my post-adoption posts. I cringe every time I attempt to read one because I was desperately trying to make sense of our new life and wrap it up with a sweet conclusion in order to convince everyone (myself included) that everything was fine. The truth is we are "fine", but everything about life as we knew it changed upon coming home with Ashlyn and Abby. Adoption is a wild ride; for all involved. It has exposed things in me that I'd have rather left undiscovered. There is this part of me who loathes inauthenticity and so I am compelled to honesty. If you ask me "how it's going", I'm not going to rest just giving off the, "oh, it's going really well" line. I might say that, because it's true, but I'm going to be forced from the depths within to give you more than that. And you may or may not be ready or desiring to hear it. I think most people just want to know the part about how we "rescued" these girls. They want to think romantic thoughts and give us a ribbon of nobility. Pre-travel I was feeling pretty noble still. I was honored and excited and ready to take on the world. Post-travel I am weary and busted up and left feeling like a failure much of the time. If I wasn't a Believer I'd feel flat-out duped. But I have never once accepted that attitude. It's a temptation, but it's never taken root in my heart. I know that God has a purpose in all of this sacrifice and struggle; for all of us. I think the biggest temptation for me is to make people understand. I so want for all of the people I love to really know us and understand us. I think the statistic for RAD with adopted kids on various levels is something like 98%. The only people who know and understand RAD are those who are parenting kids with RAD, and maybe a select few discerning loved ones on the outside and the beloved therapist. It's nonsensical. When I try to explain how it manifests itself in our girls I get blank stares from people. I also get comments about how I need to consider this and that... or I just get people who want to help me try to understand my circumstances better. As if I haven't thought about or considered any of that on my own... for hours upon hours, days upon days, weeks upon weeks, and years upon years. As if I'm just looking for things to get worked up over. What I long for is for all of my children to be equally noticeable (even to me) in our family. When I picture my children I want for all 6 faces to pop up at once, instead of just 2. I want everyone to blend together as one family, yet also stand out because of who they are as individuals not because of their gaping holes of insecurity or jealousy. Our best moments are spent around the dinner table, sharing our highs and lows of the day and the traveling we do together as a family. Some of our worst moments have been holidays with extended family members. The conundrum of triangulation and manipulation seems to rear it's ugly head the most in front of similarly fractured family members and friends. And they are the ones who refuse to understand. They are the ones who make me feel like its me and it's all in my head. Somehow the RAD child has radar for these allies. It's maddening. Our detachment issues come out in areas where Matt and I try to be the parent to a child who for 14 years parented herself. She has missed out on many fundamentals that are necessary for independence. On one hand we have a child who could run our home better than we do and on the other hand, she doesn't remember simple things like her home address or the names of her teachers and friends, or the names of streets and highways that we travel every day. She doesn't know how to order from a menu or put an outfit together. The things our biological children have been observing since they were in the womb are foreign, and considered unnecessary to our older adopted child, and she is offended by our audacity to teach her. She wants to learn everything by herself or already know it. Ashlyn is very musically gifted. Although she has a cleft palette and very unclear speech, she sings beautifully. She auditioned and moved up to a higher level in the women's chorale at school this year. We love seeing her thrive in this area. She asked for a keyboard last Christmas because she said she wanted to learn how to play. For almost an entire year that keyboard has been stashed under her bed. She came to me recently asking for an app to teach her how to play. Instead of walking next door to our neighbor who gives lessons, she'd rather sit up in her room and figure it out on her own. To the non-RAD parent this might seem noble. To us, we realize it is yet another way of being self-reliant. She is missing a key component to life; the ability to rely on others and participate in the development of relationships. We need people. We were not created to be self-sufficient. I am proud of her level of responsibility, but I know God did not bring her all the way to America so that she could do life alone without ever needing anybody. The goal is for Ashlyn to have an independent life. Some of these lessons she will have to learn the hard way on her own, but I feel like it is my job as her mother to prepare her as best I can. I want her to take all of that ability and succeed. I know she has it in her to do great things. I know that one of the biggest life lessons in this for Ashlyn is learning how to trust people. If we can't learn to trust people how can we ever trust in a God we can't see?
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
A Desperate Need, A Deeper Love, And A Sweeter Knowing...
Adoption has to be at the top of the list of life's greatest complexities. It is like peeling back an onion one layer at a time and never grasping any clear understanding. I don't even know how to get the words from my mind to my mouth most of the time, so I don't often try. Even other adoptive friends don't always understand each other. I have found myself judging another adoptive parent at times because of their attitude or decisions that "don't make sense to me," so I am sure we get judged too. The truth is that nothing about adoption makes sense. It's not biological and we were created biologically. "Bio" means: of or relating to life. "Logical" means: natural, reasonable, sensible, understandable, predictable, unsurprising, obvious, rational, clear, systematic, orderly, methodical, consistent, sound reasoning...
Adoption is not logical. So, what is it then...
Adoption is not logical. So, what is it then...
In our home we are parenting biological children along-side similar-aged adopted children. It's like looking through 2 different mirrors all day long. Mirror #1 (parenting biologically) is the me I've always known and it's predictable. I've been looking in this mirror for 41+ years and I know what's there for the most part. Even when disappointed by what I see it usually doesn't take much to fix it. Mirror #2 arrived unannounced 3 years ago with the adoption of my two daughters and it's completely foreign to me. I am mostly horrified by what I see in mirror #2. It doesn't match up at all with mirror #1 and it's personally offensive. On the exterior it looks just like me, but this isn't about outer appearances. I'm talking about the stuff inside the person in the other mirror. The stuff you can't "fix". The person in mirror #2 is ugly and shameful and no matter how hard I try, I can't change it. I can't color treat it, I can't hide it with make-up, I can't work it off or slim it down with diet and exercise. I can't fake a happy face on it and I can't make everyone like it. The crazy hard part about mirror #2 is that it tends to show itself in public more than in private and to all the wrong people. Is this not humankind's worst nightmare?! The cycle begins and it goes awkwardly around and around and around... Ironically, mirror #2 is provoked by the most ridiculous of things. It's my own little personal Chinese water torture. What looks like a little harmless, random drop of water to an outsider actually feels like an intentional tsunami to the adoptive parent because that VERY UN-RANDOM drop has been falling VERY PRECISELY on a VERY REGULAR basis in the SAME SPOT for 3 years.
Adoption can be traumatic for anyone/everyone in the family, not just the adopted child(ren). Just like any other trauma, there are grieving stages. The grieving didn't begin right away for anyone in our home. Our journey to China, and then the first few months home was glorious and we all pretty much bonded right way. This is called the "honeymoon phase" and ours was incredible. The first stage of my actual grieving was like a slap in the face. Reality settled over me one day about 6 months in like a dark cloud that came out of nowhere. I felt duped. There have been days that I was emotionally weary before I even got out of bed. Days of deeply resenting the other mirror. Hours of time spent sweeping the floors and scouring matters of my heart that could not be reconciled. This is the first time in over a year that I've been able to put pen to my thoughts because as quickly as they come sometimes, the quicker they go.
In our case, we did not adopt babies. Our girls came to us fully "them". Maybe not so much Abby, but certainly Ashlyn. Abby was only 5 but Ashlyn was 14. She had pretty much raised herself those first 14 years and did a darn good job. Being a part of a family was a new concept for her. It's been hard for her to come under the authority of parents. In China, if she didn't want to do something it was simple: she didn't do it. In a family it's not that way. The idea of being "part of the team" doesn't always appeal to her or make sense to her the way you'd think it would. "Belonging" doesn't always have the same sweetness to the adopt-ed as it does to the adopt-er. Something as harmless as a family vacation can throw Ashlyn off big time. The first time we went away to the beach was about 6 months after China. I was desperate to get away from reality for a while. I was exhausted from carrying around everyone's emotions and trying to make sure everyone (mostly Ashlyn) was okay. The beach is MY happy place and I went there expecting to find solace for MYSELF. I love the smell of the salt air, listening to the waves crash on the shore, sitting in the sand, watching the waves come in and out, soaking up the sun... all of it. It just soothes my soul and I could not wait to get there. Ashlyn hated everything about it. She hated the packing, the long (hour & a half) drive to get there, the new surroundings, the change in schedule, being out in the sun, wearing a bathing suit, the feel of the sand, the way the salt water tasted... She was determined to be as miserable as possible and she let everyone know it. Part of it was just flat out rebellion against something the rest of the family was united on. She was putting her stamp on individuality. It was during this trip that we started unknowingly "feeding the monster". We allowed her to wear shorts and a t-shirt over her bathing suit. Sounds harmless, right? At first it was about modesty and making sure she felt comfortable, being that she had never ever worn a bathing suit in China. We knew and understood this from the 7 Chinese exchange students we had hosted before adopting our girls. They just don't really enjoy water sports and especially exposing their skin to the sun. The problem was that wearing a bulky t-shirt and shorts over a bathing suit becomes very uncomfortable once wet and sandy. We had to hear all about that too. Instead of boogie boarding or making sand castles with the other kids, she would sulk and distance herself from us, walking far down the beach, looking for shells. So far that I'd have to constantly watch her in fear of losing her. If she wasn't doing that she was sitting next to me pouting. Once again, making sure she was the focus of my undivided attention. Not very relaxing. So, we spent most of our time that week up at the pool where she was happy. I have a picture of her pouting face embedded in my memory from that trip. This was the first time I can recall feeling like she was sucking the life out of me and stealing any joy I had in nurturing her. The clothing over the bathing suit also became a way to distance herself from her peers. It became a protective wall. Whenever we'd get together and swim with other families she would ask me, "Can I wear clothes over my bathing suit?" I noticed that by her doing this it separated her from the kids and so she would hang out with me and the adults instead. I need to add that Ashlyn loves to play and she loves to swim. She is very well liked in our home and her siblings have all been great to include her. When other people's kids are around it's the same thing; they like her & include her. So it's not that she doesn't have what it takes to fit in. She just has no real desire for friendship. This hurts both of us. She loves the undivided attention from the adults, but mostly me. She will hang on my arm and smile at the other adults and they think she is so sweet. And she is. But she started feeling like a breast-feeding baby that you can't ever leave with anyone and I was annoyed by her childlike behavior. I would see these times as opportunities for me to have adult time and she would see it as an opportunity to suck me dry. So Matt and I slowly started weaning her from her clothes over the bathing suit one item at a time. We went from fully clothed to board shorts over a one-piece and that was a good compromise. This doesn't look nearly as awkward to her peers either. You wouldn't think something so ridiculous could repel friends but it does. No teenage girl wants to play in the pool with the awkward, fully clothed, Chinese girl. We started having conversations like this with her before getting together with other families: "You are going to be with the kids and we are going to be with the adults. If they invite you to play you are not aloud to decline. You may wear your board shorts over your bathing suit." Then we would get there and she would ask, in front of the other adults, "Can I wear my t-shirt too", with a smile on her face that says, "I know I'm not supposed to ask this question but I'm going to ask it anyway". Hanging out with friends in Florida is synonymous with swimming. Everyone has a pool, including us. This game became so frequent that we were tense just anticipating each event, which was frequent. I'm sure our friends picked up on our frustration at times and it probably seemed petty and insensitive to them. It's hard to know that and not become resentful.
The following Easter we hosted our family for lunch and swimming. Ashlyn had picked out a brand new one-piece bathing suit (with a skirt) on her own and decided not to buy board shorts to go over it. Big progress. Matt and I prepared her for the day and told her that we would all be swimming and that she needed to play with the kids. We discussed it several times that week. As soon as the family members started arriving she started asking me "Do I have to swim?" I decided to ignore the question. Meanwhile, I am putting out food, making plates for my 3 little ones, and trying to be hostess to about 10 other people. Ashlyn walks up to me again and this time asks, "Mom, can I wear my shorts and t-shirt over my bathing suit?" Matt overhears this and says, "No, we already discussed this ahead of time. Go get in the pool with the kids." She doesn't. She goes over and sits down at the table with my mom and my in-laws. some time passes and as Matt is finishing up a game of water basketball (which she loves by the way) with Alex and Aidan, she walks by with a smirk on her face, looking right at him. He picks her up, fully clothed, and throws her in the pool. Matt thought it was hilarious. Ashlyn did not. It was that day that the boundary was clearly defined. We have learned that strong-willed children will push you to the edge, even if it's painful, but their security and rest can't be found until that boundary is CLEAR. She has made great progress since that day. We put her in full-time public school about that same time and she is not only growing, she's thriving. She has a best friend now and they wear their board shorts together in the pool:)
Just recently I decided that fighting, ignoring, suppressing, obsessing, and being disgusted by my other mirror was just too hard and quite unproductive. I decided that my other mirror is an extension of who I am after all, and another facet of my life by which to lean more heavily on the Lord. What God's teaching me about myself through the other mirror is 1.) It really is me and not an alien. 2.) It's always been there, I just didn't see it. 3.) It's not a surprise to God. He's always known this part about me and He still loves me. All of me. 4.) I can't fix it. 5.) God wants to redeem it and use it for His glory and my good.
Through adoption, I have been invited into a desperate need, a deeper love, and a sweeter knowing. Nothing in my life makes sense the way it seemed it did before and yet I've never felt more alive. For the first time ever I am surrendering my fears and failings to Christ. Not just with my adopted girls, but the rest of my family as well. My control is extremely limited and I need God every second of every day. He is sovereign and none of this is a surprise to Him. He is not confused or scared. He is not ashamed of me and He has not made a grave mistake. He will use the foolish to shame the wise and the weak to shame the strong. In Heaven, the last will be first and the first will be last and that will finally make sense! It is lawful for God to do what He wishes with His own. This is the path He chose for me, to teach me more about Him. This is the path He chose for my adopted girls, to teach them more about who He is... And together, who we are IN HIM.
Practically, this requires honesty with yourself first. I have prayed almost daily lately, "God, create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me. Search me, God, and know me. See if there is any evil in me and lead me in the way everlasting. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus". One word I have started to unpack with Ashlyn is EXPECTATIONS. Just typing that word gives me anxiety. Not only have I discovered and lowered my own, I've had to help certain people around me acknowledge theirs. If you're discouraged in your relationships, chances are it's because your expectations are too high, unrealistic, and they need to be considered. It's highly effective in most (non-life-threatening) cases to just stop and lower the bar. This is freeing to you as well as to your loved-ones. Especially if you turn around and hand those expectations to the Lord. Ashlyn knows she is loved. We have great conversations. We have had to be really honest about our feelings and our expectations for one another. Some things will never be reconciled here on this side of Heaven and that's okay. We talk a lot about her story. It's really God's story. I told her just last week that when we were in the process of adopting her I knew that she was special and that God had told me He was going to use her story to tell other people about His love. Now that she is here I see it playing out before me. We are so glad we adopted, but the spiritual warfare is real. God has anointed our girls with grace and He has preserved them for Himself. We have nothing to do with that. It's His. They are His. Adoption is a sacred space that we now live in and the enemy would love nothing more than to destroy it. Why? Because it's OUR STORY TOO. As believers in Christ we have been rescued and redeemed. Our adoption was bought at a great price. If we only knew how much God loves us and what our story would look like without Him... And these are the ways He shows us; by inviting us in to beautifully awkward, hard, scary, ugly, messy, spaces so that we can finally find HIM at the end of ourselves.
Adoption can be traumatic for anyone/everyone in the family, not just the adopted child(ren). Just like any other trauma, there are grieving stages. The grieving didn't begin right away for anyone in our home. Our journey to China, and then the first few months home was glorious and we all pretty much bonded right way. This is called the "honeymoon phase" and ours was incredible. The first stage of my actual grieving was like a slap in the face. Reality settled over me one day about 6 months in like a dark cloud that came out of nowhere. I felt duped. There have been days that I was emotionally weary before I even got out of bed. Days of deeply resenting the other mirror. Hours of time spent sweeping the floors and scouring matters of my heart that could not be reconciled. This is the first time in over a year that I've been able to put pen to my thoughts because as quickly as they come sometimes, the quicker they go.
In our case, we did not adopt babies. Our girls came to us fully "them". Maybe not so much Abby, but certainly Ashlyn. Abby was only 5 but Ashlyn was 14. She had pretty much raised herself those first 14 years and did a darn good job. Being a part of a family was a new concept for her. It's been hard for her to come under the authority of parents. In China, if she didn't want to do something it was simple: she didn't do it. In a family it's not that way. The idea of being "part of the team" doesn't always appeal to her or make sense to her the way you'd think it would. "Belonging" doesn't always have the same sweetness to the adopt-ed as it does to the adopt-er. Something as harmless as a family vacation can throw Ashlyn off big time. The first time we went away to the beach was about 6 months after China. I was desperate to get away from reality for a while. I was exhausted from carrying around everyone's emotions and trying to make sure everyone (mostly Ashlyn) was okay. The beach is MY happy place and I went there expecting to find solace for MYSELF. I love the smell of the salt air, listening to the waves crash on the shore, sitting in the sand, watching the waves come in and out, soaking up the sun... all of it. It just soothes my soul and I could not wait to get there. Ashlyn hated everything about it. She hated the packing, the long (hour & a half) drive to get there, the new surroundings, the change in schedule, being out in the sun, wearing a bathing suit, the feel of the sand, the way the salt water tasted... She was determined to be as miserable as possible and she let everyone know it. Part of it was just flat out rebellion against something the rest of the family was united on. She was putting her stamp on individuality. It was during this trip that we started unknowingly "feeding the monster". We allowed her to wear shorts and a t-shirt over her bathing suit. Sounds harmless, right? At first it was about modesty and making sure she felt comfortable, being that she had never ever worn a bathing suit in China. We knew and understood this from the 7 Chinese exchange students we had hosted before adopting our girls. They just don't really enjoy water sports and especially exposing their skin to the sun. The problem was that wearing a bulky t-shirt and shorts over a bathing suit becomes very uncomfortable once wet and sandy. We had to hear all about that too. Instead of boogie boarding or making sand castles with the other kids, she would sulk and distance herself from us, walking far down the beach, looking for shells. So far that I'd have to constantly watch her in fear of losing her. If she wasn't doing that she was sitting next to me pouting. Once again, making sure she was the focus of my undivided attention. Not very relaxing. So, we spent most of our time that week up at the pool where she was happy. I have a picture of her pouting face embedded in my memory from that trip. This was the first time I can recall feeling like she was sucking the life out of me and stealing any joy I had in nurturing her. The clothing over the bathing suit also became a way to distance herself from her peers. It became a protective wall. Whenever we'd get together and swim with other families she would ask me, "Can I wear clothes over my bathing suit?" I noticed that by her doing this it separated her from the kids and so she would hang out with me and the adults instead. I need to add that Ashlyn loves to play and she loves to swim. She is very well liked in our home and her siblings have all been great to include her. When other people's kids are around it's the same thing; they like her & include her. So it's not that she doesn't have what it takes to fit in. She just has no real desire for friendship. This hurts both of us. She loves the undivided attention from the adults, but mostly me. She will hang on my arm and smile at the other adults and they think she is so sweet. And she is. But she started feeling like a breast-feeding baby that you can't ever leave with anyone and I was annoyed by her childlike behavior. I would see these times as opportunities for me to have adult time and she would see it as an opportunity to suck me dry. So Matt and I slowly started weaning her from her clothes over the bathing suit one item at a time. We went from fully clothed to board shorts over a one-piece and that was a good compromise. This doesn't look nearly as awkward to her peers either. You wouldn't think something so ridiculous could repel friends but it does. No teenage girl wants to play in the pool with the awkward, fully clothed, Chinese girl. We started having conversations like this with her before getting together with other families: "You are going to be with the kids and we are going to be with the adults. If they invite you to play you are not aloud to decline. You may wear your board shorts over your bathing suit." Then we would get there and she would ask, in front of the other adults, "Can I wear my t-shirt too", with a smile on her face that says, "I know I'm not supposed to ask this question but I'm going to ask it anyway". Hanging out with friends in Florida is synonymous with swimming. Everyone has a pool, including us. This game became so frequent that we were tense just anticipating each event, which was frequent. I'm sure our friends picked up on our frustration at times and it probably seemed petty and insensitive to them. It's hard to know that and not become resentful.
The following Easter we hosted our family for lunch and swimming. Ashlyn had picked out a brand new one-piece bathing suit (with a skirt) on her own and decided not to buy board shorts to go over it. Big progress. Matt and I prepared her for the day and told her that we would all be swimming and that she needed to play with the kids. We discussed it several times that week. As soon as the family members started arriving she started asking me "Do I have to swim?" I decided to ignore the question. Meanwhile, I am putting out food, making plates for my 3 little ones, and trying to be hostess to about 10 other people. Ashlyn walks up to me again and this time asks, "Mom, can I wear my shorts and t-shirt over my bathing suit?" Matt overhears this and says, "No, we already discussed this ahead of time. Go get in the pool with the kids." She doesn't. She goes over and sits down at the table with my mom and my in-laws. some time passes and as Matt is finishing up a game of water basketball (which she loves by the way) with Alex and Aidan, she walks by with a smirk on her face, looking right at him. He picks her up, fully clothed, and throws her in the pool. Matt thought it was hilarious. Ashlyn did not. It was that day that the boundary was clearly defined. We have learned that strong-willed children will push you to the edge, even if it's painful, but their security and rest can't be found until that boundary is CLEAR. She has made great progress since that day. We put her in full-time public school about that same time and she is not only growing, she's thriving. She has a best friend now and they wear their board shorts together in the pool:)
Just recently I decided that fighting, ignoring, suppressing, obsessing, and being disgusted by my other mirror was just too hard and quite unproductive. I decided that my other mirror is an extension of who I am after all, and another facet of my life by which to lean more heavily on the Lord. What God's teaching me about myself through the other mirror is 1.) It really is me and not an alien. 2.) It's always been there, I just didn't see it. 3.) It's not a surprise to God. He's always known this part about me and He still loves me. All of me. 4.) I can't fix it. 5.) God wants to redeem it and use it for His glory and my good.
Through adoption, I have been invited into a desperate need, a deeper love, and a sweeter knowing. Nothing in my life makes sense the way it seemed it did before and yet I've never felt more alive. For the first time ever I am surrendering my fears and failings to Christ. Not just with my adopted girls, but the rest of my family as well. My control is extremely limited and I need God every second of every day. He is sovereign and none of this is a surprise to Him. He is not confused or scared. He is not ashamed of me and He has not made a grave mistake. He will use the foolish to shame the wise and the weak to shame the strong. In Heaven, the last will be first and the first will be last and that will finally make sense! It is lawful for God to do what He wishes with His own. This is the path He chose for me, to teach me more about Him. This is the path He chose for my adopted girls, to teach them more about who He is... And together, who we are IN HIM.
Practically, this requires honesty with yourself first. I have prayed almost daily lately, "God, create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me. Search me, God, and know me. See if there is any evil in me and lead me in the way everlasting. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus". One word I have started to unpack with Ashlyn is EXPECTATIONS. Just typing that word gives me anxiety. Not only have I discovered and lowered my own, I've had to help certain people around me acknowledge theirs. If you're discouraged in your relationships, chances are it's because your expectations are too high, unrealistic, and they need to be considered. It's highly effective in most (non-life-threatening) cases to just stop and lower the bar. This is freeing to you as well as to your loved-ones. Especially if you turn around and hand those expectations to the Lord. Ashlyn knows she is loved. We have great conversations. We have had to be really honest about our feelings and our expectations for one another. Some things will never be reconciled here on this side of Heaven and that's okay. We talk a lot about her story. It's really God's story. I told her just last week that when we were in the process of adopting her I knew that she was special and that God had told me He was going to use her story to tell other people about His love. Now that she is here I see it playing out before me. We are so glad we adopted, but the spiritual warfare is real. God has anointed our girls with grace and He has preserved them for Himself. We have nothing to do with that. It's His. They are His. Adoption is a sacred space that we now live in and the enemy would love nothing more than to destroy it. Why? Because it's OUR STORY TOO. As believers in Christ we have been rescued and redeemed. Our adoption was bought at a great price. If we only knew how much God loves us and what our story would look like without Him... And these are the ways He shows us; by inviting us in to beautifully awkward, hard, scary, ugly, messy, spaces so that we can finally find HIM at the end of ourselves.
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