Saturday, November 5, 2016
RAD
I've considered going back and deleting all of my post-adoption posts. I cringe every time I attempt to read one because I was desperately trying to make sense of our new life and wrap it up with a sweet conclusion in order to convince everyone (myself included) that everything was fine. The truth is we are "fine", but everything about life as we knew it changed upon coming home with Ashlyn and Abby. Adoption is a wild ride; for all involved. It has exposed things in me that I'd have rather left undiscovered. There is this part of me who loathes inauthenticity and so I am compelled to honesty. If you ask me "how it's going", I'm not going to rest just giving off the, "oh, it's going really well" line. I might say that, because it's true, but I'm going to be forced from the depths within to give you more than that. And you may or may not be ready or desiring to hear it. I think most people just want to know the part about how we "rescued" these girls. They want to think romantic thoughts and give us a ribbon of nobility. Pre-travel I was feeling pretty noble still. I was honored and excited and ready to take on the world. Post-travel I am weary and busted up and left feeling like a failure much of the time. If I wasn't a Believer I'd feel flat-out duped. But I have never once accepted that attitude. It's a temptation, but it's never taken root in my heart. I know that God has a purpose in all of this sacrifice and struggle; for all of us. I think the biggest temptation for me is to make people understand. I so want for all of the people I love to really know us and understand us. I think the statistic for RAD with adopted kids on various levels is something like 98%. The only people who know and understand RAD are those who are parenting kids with RAD, and maybe a select few discerning loved ones on the outside and the beloved therapist. It's nonsensical. When I try to explain how it manifests itself in our girls I get blank stares from people. I also get comments about how I need to consider this and that... or I just get people who want to help me try to understand my circumstances better. As if I haven't thought about or considered any of that on my own... for hours upon hours, days upon days, weeks upon weeks, and years upon years. As if I'm just looking for things to get worked up over. What I long for is for all of my children to be equally noticeable (even to me) in our family. When I picture my children I want for all 6 faces to pop up at once, instead of just 2. I want everyone to blend together as one family, yet also stand out because of who they are as individuals not because of their gaping holes of insecurity or jealousy. Our best moments are spent around the dinner table, sharing our highs and lows of the day and the traveling we do together as a family. Some of our worst moments have been holidays with extended family members. The conundrum of triangulation and manipulation seems to rear it's ugly head the most in front of similarly fractured family members and friends. And they are the ones who refuse to understand. They are the ones who make me feel like its me and it's all in my head. Somehow the RAD child has radar for these allies. It's maddening. Our detachment issues come out in areas where Matt and I try to be the parent to a child who for 14 years parented herself. She has missed out on many fundamentals that are necessary for independence. On one hand we have a child who could run our home better than we do and on the other hand, she doesn't remember simple things like her home address or the names of her teachers and friends, or the names of streets and highways that we travel every day. She doesn't know how to order from a menu or put an outfit together. The things our biological children have been observing since they were in the womb are foreign, and considered unnecessary to our older adopted child, and she is offended by our audacity to teach her. She wants to learn everything by herself or already know it. Ashlyn is very musically gifted. Although she has a cleft palette and very unclear speech, she sings beautifully. She auditioned and moved up to a higher level in the women's chorale at school this year. We love seeing her thrive in this area. She asked for a keyboard last Christmas because she said she wanted to learn how to play. For almost an entire year that keyboard has been stashed under her bed. She came to me recently asking for an app to teach her how to play. Instead of walking next door to our neighbor who gives lessons, she'd rather sit up in her room and figure it out on her own. To the non-RAD parent this might seem noble. To us, we realize it is yet another way of being self-reliant. She is missing a key component to life; the ability to rely on others and participate in the development of relationships. We need people. We were not created to be self-sufficient. I am proud of her level of responsibility, but I know God did not bring her all the way to America so that she could do life alone without ever needing anybody. The goal is for Ashlyn to have an independent life. Some of these lessons she will have to learn the hard way on her own, but I feel like it is my job as her mother to prepare her as best I can. I want her to take all of that ability and succeed. I know she has it in her to do great things. I know that one of the biggest life lessons in this for Ashlyn is learning how to trust people. If we can't learn to trust people how can we ever trust in a God we can't see?
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
A Desperate Need, A Deeper Love, And A Sweeter Knowing...
Adoption has to be at the top of the list of life's greatest complexities. It is like peeling back an onion one layer at a time and never grasping any clear understanding. I don't even know how to get the words from my mind to my mouth most of the time, so I don't often try. Even other adoptive friends don't always understand each other. I have found myself judging another adoptive parent at times because of their attitude or decisions that "don't make sense to me," so I am sure we get judged too. The truth is that nothing about adoption makes sense. It's not biological and we were created biologically. "Bio" means: of or relating to life. "Logical" means: natural, reasonable, sensible, understandable, predictable, unsurprising, obvious, rational, clear, systematic, orderly, methodical, consistent, sound reasoning...
Adoption is not logical. So, what is it then...
Adoption is not logical. So, what is it then...
In our home we are parenting biological children along-side similar-aged adopted children. It's like looking through 2 different mirrors all day long. Mirror #1 (parenting biologically) is the me I've always known and it's predictable. I've been looking in this mirror for 41+ years and I know what's there for the most part. Even when disappointed by what I see it usually doesn't take much to fix it. Mirror #2 arrived unannounced 3 years ago with the adoption of my two daughters and it's completely foreign to me. I am mostly horrified by what I see in mirror #2. It doesn't match up at all with mirror #1 and it's personally offensive. On the exterior it looks just like me, but this isn't about outer appearances. I'm talking about the stuff inside the person in the other mirror. The stuff you can't "fix". The person in mirror #2 is ugly and shameful and no matter how hard I try, I can't change it. I can't color treat it, I can't hide it with make-up, I can't work it off or slim it down with diet and exercise. I can't fake a happy face on it and I can't make everyone like it. The crazy hard part about mirror #2 is that it tends to show itself in public more than in private and to all the wrong people. Is this not humankind's worst nightmare?! The cycle begins and it goes awkwardly around and around and around... Ironically, mirror #2 is provoked by the most ridiculous of things. It's my own little personal Chinese water torture. What looks like a little harmless, random drop of water to an outsider actually feels like an intentional tsunami to the adoptive parent because that VERY UN-RANDOM drop has been falling VERY PRECISELY on a VERY REGULAR basis in the SAME SPOT for 3 years.
Adoption can be traumatic for anyone/everyone in the family, not just the adopted child(ren). Just like any other trauma, there are grieving stages. The grieving didn't begin right away for anyone in our home. Our journey to China, and then the first few months home was glorious and we all pretty much bonded right way. This is called the "honeymoon phase" and ours was incredible. The first stage of my actual grieving was like a slap in the face. Reality settled over me one day about 6 months in like a dark cloud that came out of nowhere. I felt duped. There have been days that I was emotionally weary before I even got out of bed. Days of deeply resenting the other mirror. Hours of time spent sweeping the floors and scouring matters of my heart that could not be reconciled. This is the first time in over a year that I've been able to put pen to my thoughts because as quickly as they come sometimes, the quicker they go.
In our case, we did not adopt babies. Our girls came to us fully "them". Maybe not so much Abby, but certainly Ashlyn. Abby was only 5 but Ashlyn was 14. She had pretty much raised herself those first 14 years and did a darn good job. Being a part of a family was a new concept for her. It's been hard for her to come under the authority of parents. In China, if she didn't want to do something it was simple: she didn't do it. In a family it's not that way. The idea of being "part of the team" doesn't always appeal to her or make sense to her the way you'd think it would. "Belonging" doesn't always have the same sweetness to the adopt-ed as it does to the adopt-er. Something as harmless as a family vacation can throw Ashlyn off big time. The first time we went away to the beach was about 6 months after China. I was desperate to get away from reality for a while. I was exhausted from carrying around everyone's emotions and trying to make sure everyone (mostly Ashlyn) was okay. The beach is MY happy place and I went there expecting to find solace for MYSELF. I love the smell of the salt air, listening to the waves crash on the shore, sitting in the sand, watching the waves come in and out, soaking up the sun... all of it. It just soothes my soul and I could not wait to get there. Ashlyn hated everything about it. She hated the packing, the long (hour & a half) drive to get there, the new surroundings, the change in schedule, being out in the sun, wearing a bathing suit, the feel of the sand, the way the salt water tasted... She was determined to be as miserable as possible and she let everyone know it. Part of it was just flat out rebellion against something the rest of the family was united on. She was putting her stamp on individuality. It was during this trip that we started unknowingly "feeding the monster". We allowed her to wear shorts and a t-shirt over her bathing suit. Sounds harmless, right? At first it was about modesty and making sure she felt comfortable, being that she had never ever worn a bathing suit in China. We knew and understood this from the 7 Chinese exchange students we had hosted before adopting our girls. They just don't really enjoy water sports and especially exposing their skin to the sun. The problem was that wearing a bulky t-shirt and shorts over a bathing suit becomes very uncomfortable once wet and sandy. We had to hear all about that too. Instead of boogie boarding or making sand castles with the other kids, she would sulk and distance herself from us, walking far down the beach, looking for shells. So far that I'd have to constantly watch her in fear of losing her. If she wasn't doing that she was sitting next to me pouting. Once again, making sure she was the focus of my undivided attention. Not very relaxing. So, we spent most of our time that week up at the pool where she was happy. I have a picture of her pouting face embedded in my memory from that trip. This was the first time I can recall feeling like she was sucking the life out of me and stealing any joy I had in nurturing her. The clothing over the bathing suit also became a way to distance herself from her peers. It became a protective wall. Whenever we'd get together and swim with other families she would ask me, "Can I wear clothes over my bathing suit?" I noticed that by her doing this it separated her from the kids and so she would hang out with me and the adults instead. I need to add that Ashlyn loves to play and she loves to swim. She is very well liked in our home and her siblings have all been great to include her. When other people's kids are around it's the same thing; they like her & include her. So it's not that she doesn't have what it takes to fit in. She just has no real desire for friendship. This hurts both of us. She loves the undivided attention from the adults, but mostly me. She will hang on my arm and smile at the other adults and they think she is so sweet. And she is. But she started feeling like a breast-feeding baby that you can't ever leave with anyone and I was annoyed by her childlike behavior. I would see these times as opportunities for me to have adult time and she would see it as an opportunity to suck me dry. So Matt and I slowly started weaning her from her clothes over the bathing suit one item at a time. We went from fully clothed to board shorts over a one-piece and that was a good compromise. This doesn't look nearly as awkward to her peers either. You wouldn't think something so ridiculous could repel friends but it does. No teenage girl wants to play in the pool with the awkward, fully clothed, Chinese girl. We started having conversations like this with her before getting together with other families: "You are going to be with the kids and we are going to be with the adults. If they invite you to play you are not aloud to decline. You may wear your board shorts over your bathing suit." Then we would get there and she would ask, in front of the other adults, "Can I wear my t-shirt too", with a smile on her face that says, "I know I'm not supposed to ask this question but I'm going to ask it anyway". Hanging out with friends in Florida is synonymous with swimming. Everyone has a pool, including us. This game became so frequent that we were tense just anticipating each event, which was frequent. I'm sure our friends picked up on our frustration at times and it probably seemed petty and insensitive to them. It's hard to know that and not become resentful.
The following Easter we hosted our family for lunch and swimming. Ashlyn had picked out a brand new one-piece bathing suit (with a skirt) on her own and decided not to buy board shorts to go over it. Big progress. Matt and I prepared her for the day and told her that we would all be swimming and that she needed to play with the kids. We discussed it several times that week. As soon as the family members started arriving she started asking me "Do I have to swim?" I decided to ignore the question. Meanwhile, I am putting out food, making plates for my 3 little ones, and trying to be hostess to about 10 other people. Ashlyn walks up to me again and this time asks, "Mom, can I wear my shorts and t-shirt over my bathing suit?" Matt overhears this and says, "No, we already discussed this ahead of time. Go get in the pool with the kids." She doesn't. She goes over and sits down at the table with my mom and my in-laws. some time passes and as Matt is finishing up a game of water basketball (which she loves by the way) with Alex and Aidan, she walks by with a smirk on her face, looking right at him. He picks her up, fully clothed, and throws her in the pool. Matt thought it was hilarious. Ashlyn did not. It was that day that the boundary was clearly defined. We have learned that strong-willed children will push you to the edge, even if it's painful, but their security and rest can't be found until that boundary is CLEAR. She has made great progress since that day. We put her in full-time public school about that same time and she is not only growing, she's thriving. She has a best friend now and they wear their board shorts together in the pool:)
Just recently I decided that fighting, ignoring, suppressing, obsessing, and being disgusted by my other mirror was just too hard and quite unproductive. I decided that my other mirror is an extension of who I am after all, and another facet of my life by which to lean more heavily on the Lord. What God's teaching me about myself through the other mirror is 1.) It really is me and not an alien. 2.) It's always been there, I just didn't see it. 3.) It's not a surprise to God. He's always known this part about me and He still loves me. All of me. 4.) I can't fix it. 5.) God wants to redeem it and use it for His glory and my good.
Through adoption, I have been invited into a desperate need, a deeper love, and a sweeter knowing. Nothing in my life makes sense the way it seemed it did before and yet I've never felt more alive. For the first time ever I am surrendering my fears and failings to Christ. Not just with my adopted girls, but the rest of my family as well. My control is extremely limited and I need God every second of every day. He is sovereign and none of this is a surprise to Him. He is not confused or scared. He is not ashamed of me and He has not made a grave mistake. He will use the foolish to shame the wise and the weak to shame the strong. In Heaven, the last will be first and the first will be last and that will finally make sense! It is lawful for God to do what He wishes with His own. This is the path He chose for me, to teach me more about Him. This is the path He chose for my adopted girls, to teach them more about who He is... And together, who we are IN HIM.
Practically, this requires honesty with yourself first. I have prayed almost daily lately, "God, create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me. Search me, God, and know me. See if there is any evil in me and lead me in the way everlasting. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus". One word I have started to unpack with Ashlyn is EXPECTATIONS. Just typing that word gives me anxiety. Not only have I discovered and lowered my own, I've had to help certain people around me acknowledge theirs. If you're discouraged in your relationships, chances are it's because your expectations are too high, unrealistic, and they need to be considered. It's highly effective in most (non-life-threatening) cases to just stop and lower the bar. This is freeing to you as well as to your loved-ones. Especially if you turn around and hand those expectations to the Lord. Ashlyn knows she is loved. We have great conversations. We have had to be really honest about our feelings and our expectations for one another. Some things will never be reconciled here on this side of Heaven and that's okay. We talk a lot about her story. It's really God's story. I told her just last week that when we were in the process of adopting her I knew that she was special and that God had told me He was going to use her story to tell other people about His love. Now that she is here I see it playing out before me. We are so glad we adopted, but the spiritual warfare is real. God has anointed our girls with grace and He has preserved them for Himself. We have nothing to do with that. It's His. They are His. Adoption is a sacred space that we now live in and the enemy would love nothing more than to destroy it. Why? Because it's OUR STORY TOO. As believers in Christ we have been rescued and redeemed. Our adoption was bought at a great price. If we only knew how much God loves us and what our story would look like without Him... And these are the ways He shows us; by inviting us in to beautifully awkward, hard, scary, ugly, messy, spaces so that we can finally find HIM at the end of ourselves.
Adoption can be traumatic for anyone/everyone in the family, not just the adopted child(ren). Just like any other trauma, there are grieving stages. The grieving didn't begin right away for anyone in our home. Our journey to China, and then the first few months home was glorious and we all pretty much bonded right way. This is called the "honeymoon phase" and ours was incredible. The first stage of my actual grieving was like a slap in the face. Reality settled over me one day about 6 months in like a dark cloud that came out of nowhere. I felt duped. There have been days that I was emotionally weary before I even got out of bed. Days of deeply resenting the other mirror. Hours of time spent sweeping the floors and scouring matters of my heart that could not be reconciled. This is the first time in over a year that I've been able to put pen to my thoughts because as quickly as they come sometimes, the quicker they go.
In our case, we did not adopt babies. Our girls came to us fully "them". Maybe not so much Abby, but certainly Ashlyn. Abby was only 5 but Ashlyn was 14. She had pretty much raised herself those first 14 years and did a darn good job. Being a part of a family was a new concept for her. It's been hard for her to come under the authority of parents. In China, if she didn't want to do something it was simple: she didn't do it. In a family it's not that way. The idea of being "part of the team" doesn't always appeal to her or make sense to her the way you'd think it would. "Belonging" doesn't always have the same sweetness to the adopt-ed as it does to the adopt-er. Something as harmless as a family vacation can throw Ashlyn off big time. The first time we went away to the beach was about 6 months after China. I was desperate to get away from reality for a while. I was exhausted from carrying around everyone's emotions and trying to make sure everyone (mostly Ashlyn) was okay. The beach is MY happy place and I went there expecting to find solace for MYSELF. I love the smell of the salt air, listening to the waves crash on the shore, sitting in the sand, watching the waves come in and out, soaking up the sun... all of it. It just soothes my soul and I could not wait to get there. Ashlyn hated everything about it. She hated the packing, the long (hour & a half) drive to get there, the new surroundings, the change in schedule, being out in the sun, wearing a bathing suit, the feel of the sand, the way the salt water tasted... She was determined to be as miserable as possible and she let everyone know it. Part of it was just flat out rebellion against something the rest of the family was united on. She was putting her stamp on individuality. It was during this trip that we started unknowingly "feeding the monster". We allowed her to wear shorts and a t-shirt over her bathing suit. Sounds harmless, right? At first it was about modesty and making sure she felt comfortable, being that she had never ever worn a bathing suit in China. We knew and understood this from the 7 Chinese exchange students we had hosted before adopting our girls. They just don't really enjoy water sports and especially exposing their skin to the sun. The problem was that wearing a bulky t-shirt and shorts over a bathing suit becomes very uncomfortable once wet and sandy. We had to hear all about that too. Instead of boogie boarding or making sand castles with the other kids, she would sulk and distance herself from us, walking far down the beach, looking for shells. So far that I'd have to constantly watch her in fear of losing her. If she wasn't doing that she was sitting next to me pouting. Once again, making sure she was the focus of my undivided attention. Not very relaxing. So, we spent most of our time that week up at the pool where she was happy. I have a picture of her pouting face embedded in my memory from that trip. This was the first time I can recall feeling like she was sucking the life out of me and stealing any joy I had in nurturing her. The clothing over the bathing suit also became a way to distance herself from her peers. It became a protective wall. Whenever we'd get together and swim with other families she would ask me, "Can I wear clothes over my bathing suit?" I noticed that by her doing this it separated her from the kids and so she would hang out with me and the adults instead. I need to add that Ashlyn loves to play and she loves to swim. She is very well liked in our home and her siblings have all been great to include her. When other people's kids are around it's the same thing; they like her & include her. So it's not that she doesn't have what it takes to fit in. She just has no real desire for friendship. This hurts both of us. She loves the undivided attention from the adults, but mostly me. She will hang on my arm and smile at the other adults and they think she is so sweet. And she is. But she started feeling like a breast-feeding baby that you can't ever leave with anyone and I was annoyed by her childlike behavior. I would see these times as opportunities for me to have adult time and she would see it as an opportunity to suck me dry. So Matt and I slowly started weaning her from her clothes over the bathing suit one item at a time. We went from fully clothed to board shorts over a one-piece and that was a good compromise. This doesn't look nearly as awkward to her peers either. You wouldn't think something so ridiculous could repel friends but it does. No teenage girl wants to play in the pool with the awkward, fully clothed, Chinese girl. We started having conversations like this with her before getting together with other families: "You are going to be with the kids and we are going to be with the adults. If they invite you to play you are not aloud to decline. You may wear your board shorts over your bathing suit." Then we would get there and she would ask, in front of the other adults, "Can I wear my t-shirt too", with a smile on her face that says, "I know I'm not supposed to ask this question but I'm going to ask it anyway". Hanging out with friends in Florida is synonymous with swimming. Everyone has a pool, including us. This game became so frequent that we were tense just anticipating each event, which was frequent. I'm sure our friends picked up on our frustration at times and it probably seemed petty and insensitive to them. It's hard to know that and not become resentful.
The following Easter we hosted our family for lunch and swimming. Ashlyn had picked out a brand new one-piece bathing suit (with a skirt) on her own and decided not to buy board shorts to go over it. Big progress. Matt and I prepared her for the day and told her that we would all be swimming and that she needed to play with the kids. We discussed it several times that week. As soon as the family members started arriving she started asking me "Do I have to swim?" I decided to ignore the question. Meanwhile, I am putting out food, making plates for my 3 little ones, and trying to be hostess to about 10 other people. Ashlyn walks up to me again and this time asks, "Mom, can I wear my shorts and t-shirt over my bathing suit?" Matt overhears this and says, "No, we already discussed this ahead of time. Go get in the pool with the kids." She doesn't. She goes over and sits down at the table with my mom and my in-laws. some time passes and as Matt is finishing up a game of water basketball (which she loves by the way) with Alex and Aidan, she walks by with a smirk on her face, looking right at him. He picks her up, fully clothed, and throws her in the pool. Matt thought it was hilarious. Ashlyn did not. It was that day that the boundary was clearly defined. We have learned that strong-willed children will push you to the edge, even if it's painful, but their security and rest can't be found until that boundary is CLEAR. She has made great progress since that day. We put her in full-time public school about that same time and she is not only growing, she's thriving. She has a best friend now and they wear their board shorts together in the pool:)
Just recently I decided that fighting, ignoring, suppressing, obsessing, and being disgusted by my other mirror was just too hard and quite unproductive. I decided that my other mirror is an extension of who I am after all, and another facet of my life by which to lean more heavily on the Lord. What God's teaching me about myself through the other mirror is 1.) It really is me and not an alien. 2.) It's always been there, I just didn't see it. 3.) It's not a surprise to God. He's always known this part about me and He still loves me. All of me. 4.) I can't fix it. 5.) God wants to redeem it and use it for His glory and my good.
Through adoption, I have been invited into a desperate need, a deeper love, and a sweeter knowing. Nothing in my life makes sense the way it seemed it did before and yet I've never felt more alive. For the first time ever I am surrendering my fears and failings to Christ. Not just with my adopted girls, but the rest of my family as well. My control is extremely limited and I need God every second of every day. He is sovereign and none of this is a surprise to Him. He is not confused or scared. He is not ashamed of me and He has not made a grave mistake. He will use the foolish to shame the wise and the weak to shame the strong. In Heaven, the last will be first and the first will be last and that will finally make sense! It is lawful for God to do what He wishes with His own. This is the path He chose for me, to teach me more about Him. This is the path He chose for my adopted girls, to teach them more about who He is... And together, who we are IN HIM.
Practically, this requires honesty with yourself first. I have prayed almost daily lately, "God, create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me. Search me, God, and know me. See if there is any evil in me and lead me in the way everlasting. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus". One word I have started to unpack with Ashlyn is EXPECTATIONS. Just typing that word gives me anxiety. Not only have I discovered and lowered my own, I've had to help certain people around me acknowledge theirs. If you're discouraged in your relationships, chances are it's because your expectations are too high, unrealistic, and they need to be considered. It's highly effective in most (non-life-threatening) cases to just stop and lower the bar. This is freeing to you as well as to your loved-ones. Especially if you turn around and hand those expectations to the Lord. Ashlyn knows she is loved. We have great conversations. We have had to be really honest about our feelings and our expectations for one another. Some things will never be reconciled here on this side of Heaven and that's okay. We talk a lot about her story. It's really God's story. I told her just last week that when we were in the process of adopting her I knew that she was special and that God had told me He was going to use her story to tell other people about His love. Now that she is here I see it playing out before me. We are so glad we adopted, but the spiritual warfare is real. God has anointed our girls with grace and He has preserved them for Himself. We have nothing to do with that. It's His. They are His. Adoption is a sacred space that we now live in and the enemy would love nothing more than to destroy it. Why? Because it's OUR STORY TOO. As believers in Christ we have been rescued and redeemed. Our adoption was bought at a great price. If we only knew how much God loves us and what our story would look like without Him... And these are the ways He shows us; by inviting us in to beautifully awkward, hard, scary, ugly, messy, spaces so that we can finally find HIM at the end of ourselves.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Day By Day...
We are just a few weeks away from our 2-year gotcha day celebration. It's hard to believe. I don't have any pictures to post at the moment, but I wanted to update my blog on where we are in the process of bringing 2 adopted children into our family. Ashlyn (14) and Abby (6) are still doing really well. I continue to remind myself on a regular basis how blessed we are. I am most thankful that our biological kids all really love our adopted kids. The Lord has sealed that and it's a total miracle; a gift. Our adopted kids function on a day to day basis very much like our biological kids. Although Abby has Down syndrome, she has no negative behaviors that prevent her from being an active part of society, and she is by no means a threat to anyone. We never have to separate her from her peers, even at church. She is very high functioning and well-behaved. From an outsiders perspective, our girls are very "normal". I have thought before that if Ashlyn and Abby were our only kids, parenting would be a piece of cake. But throw 2 girls with special needs who have gaping holes in their hearts into a family of 6 and... well, it's not easy. I would say that at this stage of our process, Ashlyn's greatest struggle is with security and identity. If you came over and spent the day with us, you'd never see it though. She is happy and helpful and appropriate in her behavior. You never have to tell her twice to do anything. She makes her bed, cleans up her half of the room, cleans up after herself (and other's too from time to time), does her homework, and helps keep an extra watchful eye on little sisters... all without even being asked. This is flat out AWESOME and such a blessing to me as a busy mom. I can ALWAYS count on her. I can trust her and that is huge. She is truthful and responsible. She is just a really great girl. Her heart is kind and she is eager to learn. She is thoughtful and considerate towards others. She is also generous. She works very hard at school, and although she was slow to believe she could do it, she ended up with straight A's this first quarter and earned herself a new laptop computer. I answer questions for her and help give her guidance when needed, but she earned those A's all on her own. Her math teacher called me a few weeks ago to tell me that Ashlyn is doing off-the-charts-amazing in her class. She said she's even scoring high on the word problems. The ironic thing is that Ashlyn never completed one assignment in China. She said she never did her work and the teachers didn't care. It's so hard to believe.
Ashlyn is a very complex individual though; understandably. She is all those things I just listed above and then she is also a very emotionally young little girl. She is routined and never forgets a thing. If you're looking for something, Ashlyn always knows exactly where it is. She knows where everyone is at all times. While this does come in handy to a forgetful mom of 6, it can also be very annoying. Like if I go out and tell her I'll be home around 6:00, she will expect me to walk in the door not a minute too soon or too late. If I come home at 6:15 she will say, "oh mom, you said you were going to be home at 6:00 and it's 6:15". Or if I come home at 5:45 instead of 6:00... you get where I'm going. This happens almost daily because in a large family it is very hard to be exact about everything ALL THE TIME. And she always begins the sentence with, "oh mom". I remind her that we've never NOT come back; that we always DO come back, and that I NEVER plan on not coming back. She has a cell phone to call if she's concerned. But she's NOT concerned. For some reason, and I believe I do know why, she just feels the need to inform me of the facts. It's not just an issue of time. This mentality is played out in other areas of her life. She is a scorekeeper. If I hug Ansley (12), Ashlyn will come for a hug. If Ansley sits in the front seat on the way to school, Ashlyn will remember that she gets to sit in the front seat on the way home. If Ansley comes in my bedroom at night to tell me something after I've gone to bed, Ashlyn will follow. Part of this is because I think she follows Ansley's cue's as to what is appropriate to take from me and Ashlyn needs A LOT. She is always in need of affection/attention from me. I have had to gently nudge her out of the nest. She's like the little bear cub that I always feel bad for when watching the Discovery Channel. You know, the one who cuddles up to nurse and the mommy bear pushes her away & is like, "No way. You're too old for that. Now get off of me and go play!" That is how I feel. It's suffocating sometimes. She just has such a big hole to fill. There are many reasons why this is unhealthy for her. It's also unhealthy for me, my husband, and my other 5 children. So we talk a lot. And she's great about that. She's a good listener and has a teachable spirit, for the most part. I am very honest and open with her. We talk about all sorts of feelings and emotions and I make sure to tell her that they are all normal. My feelings are normal and so are hers. You can not deny someone of their own human feelings and emotions. It's not a matter of "should we have them", but of "that we DO have them", and "what are they trying to tell us"? She and I were on a walk one day and a guy rode by on his bike with loud music playing. The gist of the song was that sex and money don't satisfy. She laughed and said, "you know mom, that's true." Which was a great opener to the conversation about the only thing that does. Jesus. I told her that looking to people or things to satisfy the longings of her heart would only leave her disappointed. It was a sweet conversation and I'm so thankful that God gives us those teachable moments with our kids. Going for walks with her are always good. Matt and I take our kids on individual dates too, and that seems to be a big win with her. There's so much that goes on beneath the surface with these kids. I find that much of the behaviors that we are dealing with seemed like a good thing at first, but over time they've started to smell stinky. I think she has dealt with some disappointment in regards to that because she SO LOVED that honeymoon stage. I remember sitting around a lot those first few weeks home and watching movies together (with her sitting next to me, head on my shoulder), playing ping pong, having company over to meet her and Abby, getting to know one another... It was such a fun time. But life had to resume. Dad had to get back to work. Kids had to get back to (home)school. I had to get back to teaching, doing laundry, cleaning the house... She is no longer the star of the show. She's just one of us now. I don't apologize for that. There is no preferential treatment around here. For the past year and a half it's been real life. The hard part of adoption. Raising funds, getting through the paper chase, planning, and torturing myself with fears and worries of the unknown was nothing compared to this. That stuff is so dreamy. This is reality and it isn't always romantic. But it's SO worth it. And we continue to evolve as a family. We are a work in progress. I feel like we are growing in ways that we never would have even known we needed growth in. I look ahead to the future with great hope that my kids will look back on their childhood and the path that Matt and I chose for our family and be thankful. I pray that the good memories will outweigh the bad ones. I realize my need for God more than I ever have before and that is always a good thing. He shows me the ickiness inside of me and then He shows me how great He is. He reminds me that he is at work in me and my family. He has proven Himself loving and kind and near. His grace and longsuffering are a mystery to me, but I will spend my whole life as a student of it. I want to be more like that every day. Dying to my own selfishness and clinging to Him. Setting aside my flesh and keeping my eyes intently on Him. One day at a time...
More to come...
Blessings,
Rebecca
Ashlyn is a very complex individual though; understandably. She is all those things I just listed above and then she is also a very emotionally young little girl. She is routined and never forgets a thing. If you're looking for something, Ashlyn always knows exactly where it is. She knows where everyone is at all times. While this does come in handy to a forgetful mom of 6, it can also be very annoying. Like if I go out and tell her I'll be home around 6:00, she will expect me to walk in the door not a minute too soon or too late. If I come home at 6:15 she will say, "oh mom, you said you were going to be home at 6:00 and it's 6:15". Or if I come home at 5:45 instead of 6:00... you get where I'm going. This happens almost daily because in a large family it is very hard to be exact about everything ALL THE TIME. And she always begins the sentence with, "oh mom". I remind her that we've never NOT come back; that we always DO come back, and that I NEVER plan on not coming back. She has a cell phone to call if she's concerned. But she's NOT concerned. For some reason, and I believe I do know why, she just feels the need to inform me of the facts. It's not just an issue of time. This mentality is played out in other areas of her life. She is a scorekeeper. If I hug Ansley (12), Ashlyn will come for a hug. If Ansley sits in the front seat on the way to school, Ashlyn will remember that she gets to sit in the front seat on the way home. If Ansley comes in my bedroom at night to tell me something after I've gone to bed, Ashlyn will follow. Part of this is because I think she follows Ansley's cue's as to what is appropriate to take from me and Ashlyn needs A LOT. She is always in need of affection/attention from me. I have had to gently nudge her out of the nest. She's like the little bear cub that I always feel bad for when watching the Discovery Channel. You know, the one who cuddles up to nurse and the mommy bear pushes her away & is like, "No way. You're too old for that. Now get off of me and go play!" That is how I feel. It's suffocating sometimes. She just has such a big hole to fill. There are many reasons why this is unhealthy for her. It's also unhealthy for me, my husband, and my other 5 children. So we talk a lot. And she's great about that. She's a good listener and has a teachable spirit, for the most part. I am very honest and open with her. We talk about all sorts of feelings and emotions and I make sure to tell her that they are all normal. My feelings are normal and so are hers. You can not deny someone of their own human feelings and emotions. It's not a matter of "should we have them", but of "that we DO have them", and "what are they trying to tell us"? She and I were on a walk one day and a guy rode by on his bike with loud music playing. The gist of the song was that sex and money don't satisfy. She laughed and said, "you know mom, that's true." Which was a great opener to the conversation about the only thing that does. Jesus. I told her that looking to people or things to satisfy the longings of her heart would only leave her disappointed. It was a sweet conversation and I'm so thankful that God gives us those teachable moments with our kids. Going for walks with her are always good. Matt and I take our kids on individual dates too, and that seems to be a big win with her. There's so much that goes on beneath the surface with these kids. I find that much of the behaviors that we are dealing with seemed like a good thing at first, but over time they've started to smell stinky. I think she has dealt with some disappointment in regards to that because she SO LOVED that honeymoon stage. I remember sitting around a lot those first few weeks home and watching movies together (with her sitting next to me, head on my shoulder), playing ping pong, having company over to meet her and Abby, getting to know one another... It was such a fun time. But life had to resume. Dad had to get back to work. Kids had to get back to (home)school. I had to get back to teaching, doing laundry, cleaning the house... She is no longer the star of the show. She's just one of us now. I don't apologize for that. There is no preferential treatment around here. For the past year and a half it's been real life. The hard part of adoption. Raising funds, getting through the paper chase, planning, and torturing myself with fears and worries of the unknown was nothing compared to this. That stuff is so dreamy. This is reality and it isn't always romantic. But it's SO worth it. And we continue to evolve as a family. We are a work in progress. I feel like we are growing in ways that we never would have even known we needed growth in. I look ahead to the future with great hope that my kids will look back on their childhood and the path that Matt and I chose for our family and be thankful. I pray that the good memories will outweigh the bad ones. I realize my need for God more than I ever have before and that is always a good thing. He shows me the ickiness inside of me and then He shows me how great He is. He reminds me that he is at work in me and my family. He has proven Himself loving and kind and near. His grace and longsuffering are a mystery to me, but I will spend my whole life as a student of it. I want to be more like that every day. Dying to my own selfishness and clinging to Him. Setting aside my flesh and keeping my eyes intently on Him. One day at a time...
More to come...
Blessings,
Rebecca
Monday, July 7, 2014
Freedom!
This was our first 4th of July in America with Ashlyn & Abby. Last year we were in Canada, so there was no talk of freedom or of our beloved country. Ashlyn and I went for a walk last week and I told her all of the things that make this country so special. She took it all in and said, "yes, in China, you can worship Jesus, but you have to be very quiet." I'm not sure if I've mentioned it here before or not, but Ashlyn knew about Jesus before we came for her. She was attending a small missionary church in her rural town. The pastor and his wife would come to pick up some kids from the orphange on Saturday mornings and take them to their house where they would hear stories from the Bible, sing songs, and eat lunch. Ashlyn has a deep desire for the things of the Lord and she loves Christian music. She tells me, "it's good for my heart." Ironically, she came downstairs early one morning about a year ago and told me she had a new favorite song. We had given her an ipod with music on it and she would fall asleep to it most nights. I asked her what her new favorite song was and she said, in broken English, "love is on the move." Then she said, "It makes my heart feel good, it makes me cry." I've said it before and I'll say it again, with God, there are NO coincidences. Did she know that was the song that inspired this blog? Did she know that God had used it to speak to my heart about her? Nope. Of all of the thousands of songs on that ipod, she loved this song the most...
When the days get foggy and all jumbled up with noise and confusion and sometimes really hard feelings, this is what I go back to. The beginning. God's promise. He is near. He is still at work. He will not leave us. He will not leave us. He will not leave us...
Blessings,
Rebecca
When the days get foggy and all jumbled up with noise and confusion and sometimes really hard feelings, this is what I go back to. The beginning. God's promise. He is near. He is still at work. He will not leave us. He will not leave us. He will not leave us...
Blessings,
Rebecca
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Well, Hello!!!
8 months ago I felt the need to pull the plug on this blog of mine. It was demanding way too much of my time and distracting me from responsibilities and reality. When we got ready to go to China I joined Facebook and that seemed to be a quicker and easier way to keep up with people these past several months. I have missed journaling the events of our daily lives though.
So...
Just to catch you up on what's been happening around our home...
*We spent Christmas with my brother and his wife in NYC... Quite an adventure.
*Ashlyn had her cleft palate repair (taking a bone graft from her hip), along with 8 tooth fillings & tubes in her ears in late December. I wasn't sure what to expect. It seems that many people's experiences with this cleft surgery has been quite difficult. Our doctors gave us great hope that Ashlyn would do just fine, and in fact, SHE DID AMAZING! I think she only took her pain meds for 2 days. She had to eat mushy food for the next 6 weeks, but even then, it wasn't that hard. It was a huge success. Praise the Lord for incredible doctors!
*In January, all 4 homeschooled McKees headed off to the big, bad, public school. They all went for different reasons, but mostly just because we realized we needed reinforcements. They all had some gaps to fill in bc of our time off after China and we knew the only way to accomplish this without me losing my mind was to turn it over to the professionals. Ashlyn has excelled in every subject. Her teachers love her. Her hard work and determination has afforded her their extra efforts. They make provisions for her and find alternatives for her in areas where her reading and comprehension is still on a low level. She immediately became qualified for educational speech therapy. In our first days at the new school, the entire team of teachers, guidance counselors, school therapists/psychologists, and staffing specialists were ON TOP OF IT. It has been the best decision for her. The other kiddos are also doing well. Ansley slid right in and has made good friends. Alex was asked to be a part of the basketball team, but because he had just finished up an exhausting basketball season already, he decided not to participate. His PE coach didn't take no for an answer when track season started. Alex joined the team reluctantly and came in 1st place in the 400 in all 3 of the heats that he competed in. We were so proud! Aidan is having a blast at his new school too. He made friends fast and has something to pour all of that pent up energy into now. It's been so good for all of us to have some time away from each other. As much as we love our time together, things were getting really strained around here. I am enjoying just being mom again. And, can I just say, the public school system has blown us away. We are very pleased. Our kids have even surprised us with their desire to step out and be a light for their peers and teachers. Amamzing stuff... too much to share just yet, but God is SO good!
*This spring we finally put a pool in; something we'd been waiting to do since we moved in this home 7 years ago. It has been such a huge blessing. We spent our spring break here at home with friends and family, playing in the pool. Abby LOVES the water. We enrolled her in survival swim lessons and she did great. She really is a natural in the water. She will jump in the deep end now and swim all the way over to the shallow end, floating when she needs to catch her breath. It's been so good for her.
*Speaking of Abby, we finally got her IEP! This took a year, but we finally have it and plan to start more intensive speech therapy very soon. She is still not speaking, but she does try. She also tries communicating in other ways from time to time and this gets me very excited. She's such a smart little girl. She's a sweet girl who is very loved by her entire family. She also loves to be a helper and I am starting to look for ways to move on from babying her to treating her more like the 6 year old that she is. She is very capable.
*Baseball season is almost done for our little A-Dog. He's had another really good season. He pitches really well and plays short stop and first base. He's a natural at this sport and his good sportsmanship makes us very proud.
*I just enrolled Averleigh for VPK in the fall (sniff-sniff). She is turning into such a big girl. I really hate that I'm out of the baby phase forever. I never saw that one coming. We've talked about adding another one, but I think my soon-to-be-highschooler would curl up and die of embarassment. He has expressed on more than one occasion that he is not for adding anymore children to the chaos. It's just about all he can handle, sharing a room with his sloppy 8 year old brother... :) Firstborns!
*Matt and I celebrated our 17th anniversary in April. We got away for a night at a beautiful resort here in Orlando. It was so relaxing... a much needed break away alone:)
*Summer is upon us and we have alot already scheduled... More surgery for Ashlyn (lip revision and 2 front teeth), camps, basketball conditioning, VBS, Summer reading programs, more swim lessons, and Lord willing, the beach and Canada.
*And lastly...
We got another dog:) Bentley... He's an American Eskimo. We rescued him from a foster family who found him. He's about 3 years old, we think...
*Everything is still going better than we ever dreamed it would. We continue to press on and stay focused on what the Lord has for us. Ashlyn and Abby continue to defy the odds. They love us and they love their life here in America. Do we have setbacks? Yes. Is it always easy? No. But, it's been the best thing that's EVER happened to us and God has eqipped us with everything we need to get through the struggles. We have developed a relationship with a good Christian counselor for Ashlyn. She will continue to go twice a month and learn to unpack her hurts and the things that she keeps buried underneath that sweet smile of hers. She's s fighter and an overcomer. She has a great attitude. Her mental health is great and she thinks very maturely for a girl her age. She's very practical, understanding, forgiving, and realistic. Sometimes she makes us crazy, but that's just because we are selfish human beings. We are all learning how to slow down and be patient with each other. I just pray that when my kids leave this crazy home one day, they will look back with fond memories. That the good will outweigh the bad and that they will have a deep love for one another.
Blessings,
Rebecca
So...
Just to catch you up on what's been happening around our home...
*We spent Christmas with my brother and his wife in NYC... Quite an adventure.
*Ashlyn had her cleft palate repair (taking a bone graft from her hip), along with 8 tooth fillings & tubes in her ears in late December. I wasn't sure what to expect. It seems that many people's experiences with this cleft surgery has been quite difficult. Our doctors gave us great hope that Ashlyn would do just fine, and in fact, SHE DID AMAZING! I think she only took her pain meds for 2 days. She had to eat mushy food for the next 6 weeks, but even then, it wasn't that hard. It was a huge success. Praise the Lord for incredible doctors!
 |
| Just another day in the doctor's chair! |
*In January, all 4 homeschooled McKees headed off to the big, bad, public school. They all went for different reasons, but mostly just because we realized we needed reinforcements. They all had some gaps to fill in bc of our time off after China and we knew the only way to accomplish this without me losing my mind was to turn it over to the professionals. Ashlyn has excelled in every subject. Her teachers love her. Her hard work and determination has afforded her their extra efforts. They make provisions for her and find alternatives for her in areas where her reading and comprehension is still on a low level. She immediately became qualified for educational speech therapy. In our first days at the new school, the entire team of teachers, guidance counselors, school therapists/psychologists, and staffing specialists were ON TOP OF IT. It has been the best decision for her. The other kiddos are also doing well. Ansley slid right in and has made good friends. Alex was asked to be a part of the basketball team, but because he had just finished up an exhausting basketball season already, he decided not to participate. His PE coach didn't take no for an answer when track season started. Alex joined the team reluctantly and came in 1st place in the 400 in all 3 of the heats that he competed in. We were so proud! Aidan is having a blast at his new school too. He made friends fast and has something to pour all of that pent up energy into now. It's been so good for all of us to have some time away from each other. As much as we love our time together, things were getting really strained around here. I am enjoying just being mom again. And, can I just say, the public school system has blown us away. We are very pleased. Our kids have even surprised us with their desire to step out and be a light for their peers and teachers. Amamzing stuff... too much to share just yet, but God is SO good!
 |
| His very first track meet. I was just praying that he wouldn't come in dead last. He was competing against some very fast boys! He came in first place! |
*This spring we finally put a pool in; something we'd been waiting to do since we moved in this home 7 years ago. It has been such a huge blessing. We spent our spring break here at home with friends and family, playing in the pool. Abby LOVES the water. We enrolled her in survival swim lessons and she did great. She really is a natural in the water. She will jump in the deep end now and swim all the way over to the shallow end, floating when she needs to catch her breath. It's been so good for her.
 |
| Swim Lessons |
*Speaking of Abby, we finally got her IEP! This took a year, but we finally have it and plan to start more intensive speech therapy very soon. She is still not speaking, but she does try. She also tries communicating in other ways from time to time and this gets me very excited. She's such a smart little girl. She's a sweet girl who is very loved by her entire family. She also loves to be a helper and I am starting to look for ways to move on from babying her to treating her more like the 6 year old that she is. She is very capable.
*Baseball season is almost done for our little A-Dog. He's had another really good season. He pitches really well and plays short stop and first base. He's a natural at this sport and his good sportsmanship makes us very proud.
 |
| Game Ball! |
*I just enrolled Averleigh for VPK in the fall (sniff-sniff). She is turning into such a big girl. I really hate that I'm out of the baby phase forever. I never saw that one coming. We've talked about adding another one, but I think my soon-to-be-highschooler would curl up and die of embarassment. He has expressed on more than one occasion that he is not for adding anymore children to the chaos. It's just about all he can handle, sharing a room with his sloppy 8 year old brother... :) Firstborns!
 |
| Averleigh, Addie (the neighbor), and Abby |
 |
| Alex's first time driving my van... He did a great job! |
*Matt and I celebrated our 17th anniversary in April. We got away for a night at a beautiful resort here in Orlando. It was so relaxing... a much needed break away alone:)
 |
| Me and My Sweet Guy! |
*Summer is upon us and we have alot already scheduled... More surgery for Ashlyn (lip revision and 2 front teeth), camps, basketball conditioning, VBS, Summer reading programs, more swim lessons, and Lord willing, the beach and Canada.
 |
| We celebrated Ashlyn's birthday at Chuck-E-Cheese... picked them all up from school and surprised them. It was her very first time. We figured we needed to make up for lost birthday parties past... every kid needs a birthday at CEC! |
*And lastly...
We got another dog:) Bentley... He's an American Eskimo. We rescued him from a foster family who found him. He's about 3 years old, we think...
 |
| A-Dog & Bentley |
*Everything is still going better than we ever dreamed it would. We continue to press on and stay focused on what the Lord has for us. Ashlyn and Abby continue to defy the odds. They love us and they love their life here in America. Do we have setbacks? Yes. Is it always easy? No. But, it's been the best thing that's EVER happened to us and God has eqipped us with everything we need to get through the struggles. We have developed a relationship with a good Christian counselor for Ashlyn. She will continue to go twice a month and learn to unpack her hurts and the things that she keeps buried underneath that sweet smile of hers. She's s fighter and an overcomer. She has a great attitude. Her mental health is great and she thinks very maturely for a girl her age. She's very practical, understanding, forgiving, and realistic. Sometimes she makes us crazy, but that's just because we are selfish human beings. We are all learning how to slow down and be patient with each other. I just pray that when my kids leave this crazy home one day, they will look back with fond memories. That the good will outweigh the bad and that they will have a deep love for one another.
 |
| Leaving my nephew's birthday party... I had to snap this pic! It's embedded on my heart forever! |
Blessings,
Rebecca
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Irritable Me...
Here's where we're at 9 months in...
First, the things we are not dealing with that we thought we would be...
1. anger, rage, rebelliousness, jealousy, rejection towards any of us...
2. institutional behaviors; manipulation, triangulation, lying, stealing, cheating, bullying... of any sort.
3. night terrors, hoarding, stashing away food...
4. bad attitude, isolation...
I am in constant awe of how well our girls have transitioned into their new lives. This is an obvious miracle. Anyone who knows the typical adjustments in bringing newly adopted (especially older) children into a family would look at us and either say, "Well, just give them time" or "WOW". I am choosing to say, "WOW". God is good. But He is ALWAYS good. So, even when things do not go my way, I know without a doubt that it is inevitably for my good and His glory and He will use it to refine me, prune me, make me more dependant on Him... and hopefully more like Him.
With that said, here's a little reality for ya...
I am so thankful for my life, but I am tired.
I am an introvert by nature and I love to be alone. One of my favorite things to do is sit outside on my back porch, with a good book or my Bible and listen to the wind blow through the trees (which is what I'm doing right now). I love to take hot baths after dinner with lots of bubbles, lavendar epsom salts, and candles burning. I love to listen to worship music and clean my house in solitude. I love going out to dinner just me and my husband and having a glass of red wine. I love to go to lunch with a good friend and really talk & really listen.
With six kids it is no surprise that these moments are fewer and farther between these days. I make time each and every single day for some quiet time during little girl's naps and I almost always take a bath after dinner, but my days are so rushed and so full. Full of good things, but full nontheless.
I hate it when people take on a lot of stuff and then "complain" about how busy they are. This is not that. I am not complaining. I chose this life. I chose to be a stay at home mom and have 6 kids and I wouldn't trade any of it for all the money in the world. I love having my hands full of children. Is there anything more rewarding? For me, there is NOTHING more rewarding than raising/discipling a family. And I am humbled that God would look upon me with such favor as to bless me with the opportunity to pour into the lives of 6 of His children.
Why me, God?
I will never understand what He sees in me...
I do know that when He looks at me He sees His Son Jesus. He sees that I am lowly and sinful and covered in the blood of Jesus. He sees that I am needy and weak and strong in His Son Jesus. He sees that I am fragile and broken, yet whole because of His Son Jesus.
But as we all know, nothing worthwhile in life ever comes easy. To do a job well there is always some level or degree of sacrifice involoved. There are always cons with the pros.
Right now I am trying to catch my balance in my new normal. What I used to do with ease is now more rugged. I feel like I am re-learning how to do this mommy thing all over again... Like having a baby for the very first time. I am learning how to give more of myself, even though I have less. And herein lies my biggest challenge... How to give more from less...
I don't really know how to explain what is going on right now with Ashlyn. I'll yell you that I feel like she needs more of me some days (not always) than I have to give and it drains me and makes me irritable. I love her big-time and she's a delightful child, but I am tapped out right now. I feel like she is testing me lately to see how much more I will give her. Crazy as it sounds, it bothers me that she doesn't seem to be very considerate of the fact that she is not an only child and I am just one person.
It's not that she's selfish, because she's not. She just really desires a lot of me.
Here are a couple of examples of the things that are bugging me:
1.) Our car seats 8 people. 3 in the back, 3 in the middle row, and 2 up front. We put our 3 youngest kids in the middle row... Abby, Aidan, & Averleigh... in that order. The 3 big kids sit in the back row.
We drive to Canada every summer and our bio kids are AMAZING, WORLD-CLASS travelers. They LOVE the journey and we break it up with fun things along the way. This being Ashlyn's (& Abby's) first long car ride, we expected that it would not be as "fun" for them. Abby handled it like a pro and did great. Ashlyn... not so much. She pouted and stared out the window and argued about not wanting the middle seat, even though we told the kids in the back row that everyone would have to sit in the middle for part of the journey. Alex & Ansley were just fine with it. I venture to say that Ashlyn told us at least a dozen times every hour that she did not want to sit in the middle. This gets annoying after about the 3rd time. Annoying because why should the other 2 have to sit in the middle and not her? And we reminded her of this fact every time she brought it up, asked her not to bring it up again, and then had to scold her when she would... more pouting. It's not as if they were having a miserable time back there either. They had iTouches, movies, books, wacky mad-libs, snacks, & they put Alex's hair in pig-tails:) There was a lot of laughter, a lot of pit-stops, and a lot of chocolate! And even though she had the time of her life in Canada and even cried when we had to leave, she asks us all the time if we are going to Canada next year and if so, can she stay at home alone.
2.) She hated the beach... our very favorite, most needed week of the entire year. It's MY week. It's our down-time, our FAMILY time. We use this week every summer to regroup, refresh, relax, and pray about the upcoming school year... and she pouted and said, "I don't like the beach" every single day. It's not like she doesn't like the water, because she totally does. Swimming is seriously her favorite activity and we spent way more time at the pool than the ocean. But she made up her mind that she didn't like the taste of the ocean water (duh...) and that was that. She never wants to go to the beach again.
3.) School has begun... Praise the Lord for structure and routine!!! I told the big kids that my mornings are devoted to teaching Averleigh and Aidan because they are too young to be independant (Abby goes to school), and that I will be happy to help them with any questions they may have once the little girls are down for naps after lunch. Still, Ashlyn comes to me with her math book, interrupting me every morning. Alex is there, willing to help her, but she is determined not to ask him. Matt is available too, BTW, but she only comes to me, even though I have hurt her feelings on more than one occasion by telling her she has to wait. She has other things to do, but she acts like she doesn't know what they are. We have bought her books on the Kindle, she has academic computer games of all sorts, crafty things to create, games she could play on the Wii, chores that she enjoys, and I even allow her to watch some TV. She is allowed to be in the same room as me. She doesn't have to leave my sight, so it's not like she's totally ignored. Ansley likes to do her work in her room and Alex has a desk in Matt's office. She is also welcome in both of those places and has even been invited. Ashlyn is very good in math, which is pre-algebra. She can do most of it on her own and I do stop quite a bit to explain little things here and there that are quick, but what she really wants is for me to sit down with her and help her do each and every problem. I am just not going to do that every day. Sometimes I do, but it isn't always necessary. It'd be one thing if we weren't together all day long. It's not like she never gets time alone with me, because she does! I spend alone time with each of my kids doing various things throughout the week. She reminds me all the time that she has math homework... It's a math obsession. And it's driving me crazy:)
4.) Almost every Sunday I take a nap just because Sunday's wipe me out. We come home from church, eat lunch, put the little girls down for a nap, then Matt & the boys watch sports in the family room & I take a nap in my room... ALONE. And everyone knows that this is my time to be alone. Ashlyn and Ansley usually play upstairs or go outside and play, but I can always tell that Ashlyn wants to be entertained by me and doesn't like that we all go our own ways. This morning she asked me if she could watch TV in my room after church and I said, "no". As soon as we walked in the door from church I told the kids to change clothes and come down for lunch. She went upstairs and came back down in the same outfit asking if she could watch TV in my room today... again. Needless to say, I was not happy with her and I made sure she knew it. It is rare that I lose it on her but today was an exception and she sat at lunch pouting. The other thing that she does that pushes my buttons is that she asks me every day if she can wear pants. We live in Florida. It's like 97 degrees here today. In the summer it feels like it's 107. Yet, she asks me almost daily (maybe just weekly now) if she can wear jeans. There have been times I've said yes just so she'd be misreable, learn a lesson, and quit asking. You'd think she wouldn't complain about how hot she is in those pants, but she does...
5.) Ashlyn & Aidan... Oil & Water... Enough said;)
These things are small and much less taxing than many of the issues people have with their adopted children, and if Ashlyn was an only child it would be a piece of cake, but she's not. I would still say that living with her is a piece of cake because on most days I am pinching myself at how "easy" I have it. I feel ashamed that these small things get under my skin. I admit that it's not good that I get flustered by them... But I am only human. I push the urge down most days and pray for grace and patience, but my frustration lies in the fact that I just don't really know all of her yet and I don't know how to communicate all that needs to be said. I can't make up for 13 lost years in 9 months.
If you think about what has just occured in her life, it's incredible that this is our biggest struggle.
I'm not complaining, I'm just venting. Somehow it takes the weight off my shoulders if I can write about it.
Now I will go hug my girl and tell her how thankful I am that she loves me;)
Please pray for me. I've been very irritable lately.
How can I pray for you?
Blessings,
Rebecca
First, the things we are not dealing with that we thought we would be...
1. anger, rage, rebelliousness, jealousy, rejection towards any of us...
2. institutional behaviors; manipulation, triangulation, lying, stealing, cheating, bullying... of any sort.
3. night terrors, hoarding, stashing away food...
4. bad attitude, isolation...
I am in constant awe of how well our girls have transitioned into their new lives. This is an obvious miracle. Anyone who knows the typical adjustments in bringing newly adopted (especially older) children into a family would look at us and either say, "Well, just give them time" or "WOW". I am choosing to say, "WOW". God is good. But He is ALWAYS good. So, even when things do not go my way, I know without a doubt that it is inevitably for my good and His glory and He will use it to refine me, prune me, make me more dependant on Him... and hopefully more like Him.
With that said, here's a little reality for ya...
I am so thankful for my life, but I am tired.
I am an introvert by nature and I love to be alone. One of my favorite things to do is sit outside on my back porch, with a good book or my Bible and listen to the wind blow through the trees (which is what I'm doing right now). I love to take hot baths after dinner with lots of bubbles, lavendar epsom salts, and candles burning. I love to listen to worship music and clean my house in solitude. I love going out to dinner just me and my husband and having a glass of red wine. I love to go to lunch with a good friend and really talk & really listen.
With six kids it is no surprise that these moments are fewer and farther between these days. I make time each and every single day for some quiet time during little girl's naps and I almost always take a bath after dinner, but my days are so rushed and so full. Full of good things, but full nontheless.
I hate it when people take on a lot of stuff and then "complain" about how busy they are. This is not that. I am not complaining. I chose this life. I chose to be a stay at home mom and have 6 kids and I wouldn't trade any of it for all the money in the world. I love having my hands full of children. Is there anything more rewarding? For me, there is NOTHING more rewarding than raising/discipling a family. And I am humbled that God would look upon me with such favor as to bless me with the opportunity to pour into the lives of 6 of His children.
Why me, God?
I will never understand what He sees in me...
I do know that when He looks at me He sees His Son Jesus. He sees that I am lowly and sinful and covered in the blood of Jesus. He sees that I am needy and weak and strong in His Son Jesus. He sees that I am fragile and broken, yet whole because of His Son Jesus.
But as we all know, nothing worthwhile in life ever comes easy. To do a job well there is always some level or degree of sacrifice involoved. There are always cons with the pros.
Right now I am trying to catch my balance in my new normal. What I used to do with ease is now more rugged. I feel like I am re-learning how to do this mommy thing all over again... Like having a baby for the very first time. I am learning how to give more of myself, even though I have less. And herein lies my biggest challenge... How to give more from less...
I don't really know how to explain what is going on right now with Ashlyn. I'll yell you that I feel like she needs more of me some days (not always) than I have to give and it drains me and makes me irritable. I love her big-time and she's a delightful child, but I am tapped out right now. I feel like she is testing me lately to see how much more I will give her. Crazy as it sounds, it bothers me that she doesn't seem to be very considerate of the fact that she is not an only child and I am just one person.
It's not that she's selfish, because she's not. She just really desires a lot of me.
Here are a couple of examples of the things that are bugging me:
1.) Our car seats 8 people. 3 in the back, 3 in the middle row, and 2 up front. We put our 3 youngest kids in the middle row... Abby, Aidan, & Averleigh... in that order. The 3 big kids sit in the back row.
We drive to Canada every summer and our bio kids are AMAZING, WORLD-CLASS travelers. They LOVE the journey and we break it up with fun things along the way. This being Ashlyn's (& Abby's) first long car ride, we expected that it would not be as "fun" for them. Abby handled it like a pro and did great. Ashlyn... not so much. She pouted and stared out the window and argued about not wanting the middle seat, even though we told the kids in the back row that everyone would have to sit in the middle for part of the journey. Alex & Ansley were just fine with it. I venture to say that Ashlyn told us at least a dozen times every hour that she did not want to sit in the middle. This gets annoying after about the 3rd time. Annoying because why should the other 2 have to sit in the middle and not her? And we reminded her of this fact every time she brought it up, asked her not to bring it up again, and then had to scold her when she would... more pouting. It's not as if they were having a miserable time back there either. They had iTouches, movies, books, wacky mad-libs, snacks, & they put Alex's hair in pig-tails:) There was a lot of laughter, a lot of pit-stops, and a lot of chocolate! And even though she had the time of her life in Canada and even cried when we had to leave, she asks us all the time if we are going to Canada next year and if so, can she stay at home alone.
 |
| crazy-fun! |
2.) She hated the beach... our very favorite, most needed week of the entire year. It's MY week. It's our down-time, our FAMILY time. We use this week every summer to regroup, refresh, relax, and pray about the upcoming school year... and she pouted and said, "I don't like the beach" every single day. It's not like she doesn't like the water, because she totally does. Swimming is seriously her favorite activity and we spent way more time at the pool than the ocean. But she made up her mind that she didn't like the taste of the ocean water (duh...) and that was that. She never wants to go to the beach again.
 |
| enjoying watching the rocket take off from the beach at night. |
 |
| She loves the pool! |
 |
| looks like she isn't having too terrible of a time... |
 |
| m.i.s.e.r.a.b.l.e. |
3.) School has begun... Praise the Lord for structure and routine!!! I told the big kids that my mornings are devoted to teaching Averleigh and Aidan because they are too young to be independant (Abby goes to school), and that I will be happy to help them with any questions they may have once the little girls are down for naps after lunch. Still, Ashlyn comes to me with her math book, interrupting me every morning. Alex is there, willing to help her, but she is determined not to ask him. Matt is available too, BTW, but she only comes to me, even though I have hurt her feelings on more than one occasion by telling her she has to wait. She has other things to do, but she acts like she doesn't know what they are. We have bought her books on the Kindle, she has academic computer games of all sorts, crafty things to create, games she could play on the Wii, chores that she enjoys, and I even allow her to watch some TV. She is allowed to be in the same room as me. She doesn't have to leave my sight, so it's not like she's totally ignored. Ansley likes to do her work in her room and Alex has a desk in Matt's office. She is also welcome in both of those places and has even been invited. Ashlyn is very good in math, which is pre-algebra. She can do most of it on her own and I do stop quite a bit to explain little things here and there that are quick, but what she really wants is for me to sit down with her and help her do each and every problem. I am just not going to do that every day. Sometimes I do, but it isn't always necessary. It'd be one thing if we weren't together all day long. It's not like she never gets time alone with me, because she does! I spend alone time with each of my kids doing various things throughout the week. She reminds me all the time that she has math homework... It's a math obsession. And it's driving me crazy:)
4.) Almost every Sunday I take a nap just because Sunday's wipe me out. We come home from church, eat lunch, put the little girls down for a nap, then Matt & the boys watch sports in the family room & I take a nap in my room... ALONE. And everyone knows that this is my time to be alone. Ashlyn and Ansley usually play upstairs or go outside and play, but I can always tell that Ashlyn wants to be entertained by me and doesn't like that we all go our own ways. This morning she asked me if she could watch TV in my room after church and I said, "no". As soon as we walked in the door from church I told the kids to change clothes and come down for lunch. She went upstairs and came back down in the same outfit asking if she could watch TV in my room today... again. Needless to say, I was not happy with her and I made sure she knew it. It is rare that I lose it on her but today was an exception and she sat at lunch pouting. The other thing that she does that pushes my buttons is that she asks me every day if she can wear pants. We live in Florida. It's like 97 degrees here today. In the summer it feels like it's 107. Yet, she asks me almost daily (maybe just weekly now) if she can wear jeans. There have been times I've said yes just so she'd be misreable, learn a lesson, and quit asking. You'd think she wouldn't complain about how hot she is in those pants, but she does...
5.) Ashlyn & Aidan... Oil & Water... Enough said;)
These things are small and much less taxing than many of the issues people have with their adopted children, and if Ashlyn was an only child it would be a piece of cake, but she's not. I would still say that living with her is a piece of cake because on most days I am pinching myself at how "easy" I have it. I feel ashamed that these small things get under my skin. I admit that it's not good that I get flustered by them... But I am only human. I push the urge down most days and pray for grace and patience, but my frustration lies in the fact that I just don't really know all of her yet and I don't know how to communicate all that needs to be said. I can't make up for 13 lost years in 9 months.
If you think about what has just occured in her life, it's incredible that this is our biggest struggle.
I'm not complaining, I'm just venting. Somehow it takes the weight off my shoulders if I can write about it.
Now I will go hug my girl and tell her how thankful I am that she loves me;)
Please pray for me. I've been very irritable lately.
How can I pray for you?
Blessings,
Rebecca
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Hello Again:)
I am finding it harder and harder to find time to blog lately. I am also having a bit of a writers block. So much has happened in the past 2 & 1/2 years that I simply do not have the energy to empty myself of it. I have been asked to speak at a ladies event at church next Wednesday night on grace. My portion is entitled, "Grace To Love An Orphan" (which I did not title, BTW). Because as we adoptives familes know, it was ever bit as much about God's grace for me as it was about His grace for the orphan... maybe even more so. While I am super excited and so honored to do it, I am scared that I will have a hard time keeping it to 10 short minutes. How do you take 2 & 1/2 years of a miraculous journey and spit it out in 10 minutes and still express the awe and magnitude of all God has done? I am sure it'll be just fine, but please think of me and pray for me next week. Pray that the Lord will give me HIS words and that the Holy Spirit will guide me and that I will obedient to share whatever He puts on my heart. Right now as it stands I am just sharing (briefly) the story of our timeline of events and how we are doing thus far, but there is another whole layer to it that is about me and how God has changed me through this process. Our church's mission is in planting churches and not necessarily in orphan care and world missions. I am hoping that this opportunity will open the door to more conversations about orphan care within our church. So please be in prayer about that as well.
On to the latest...
ASHLYN HOPE...
Still amazing. Still sweet as can be. Still laughing and making the most of her circumstances. She started 7th grade 2 weeks ago. Our kids homeschool but go to a christian curriculum program that meets once a week. It's turning out to be a great fit for all of us. She is doing really good in math. That's really all the homework she is doing for now and they let her come for free:) We are still working on 2nd grade phonics with Abeka. She reads on about a 2nd grade level.
She is LOUD and talking ALOT these days... Oh my word, she makes my head spin. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. And she likes to interrupt me when I'm in other conversations, which is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves. She has wonderful manners other than that though... better than my other kids, that's for sure. She does not slurp her food like most Chinese kids, but she gets it ALL over her face. It's quite silly and we have to remind her to use her napkin. She'll say, "no, I don't need it" and we say, "oh yeah? Go look in the mirror!" and she gets this huge smile and says, "Uh-oh, that's ok". :)
She and Ansley are connected at the hip. I am sad to think of what life was like before she was here. Ansley has said repeatedly that she is thankful for the companionship of an older sister. They are almost the same developmental age and have similar interests. They are giggly and playful and helpful and just...AMAZING. I don't know what I'd do without them. They are my biggest helpers around the house. They babysit the little girls when I need to run the boys around town to sports practices or make a fast run to the grocery store, they empty and load the dishwasher, they sort and fold laundry (sometimes without me even asking), they play with the little girls, dress them when I'm in a pinch, and work odd jobs (stuffing envelopes) for daddy to earn big slurpees. I honestly could not do my job as full-time mother and homeschooler to 6 kids without them. When I hear the laughter coming from their bedroom I want to pinch myself. Who would've thought in a million years??? Certainly not me. God is good.
ABIGAIL JOY...
Miss Abby started kindergarten at the school for kids with special needs 2 weeks ago and she is doing fabulous. She has 3 adoring teachers and 12 sweet classmates. She is becoming quite ornery and stinky lately though. She likes to play with scissors and has cut her hair twice now. Ansley caught her in the act for a 3rd time today before she actually chopped anything. Thankfully you can't really tell and she still looks cute as a button:)
She isn't giving as much love to Averleigh lately and I'm a bit worried that the behaviors at school are rubbing off on her. She got in trouble for the first time ever at church 2 weeks ago when she and another little adopted fellow (who's deaf) got into it over a stick.
She doesn't cry when Matt teases her anymore, which is a huge relief. She goes to him as soon as she walks in the door from school and puts her arms up for hugs and kisses. She is saying a few words and signing more. She does "potty" "more" and "thank you". She is understanding much of what we tell her and responds to simple commands (goodness, I make her sound like a dog!).
Overall she is doing really well and growing up so fast! The change in both of our girls is remarkable. When I look back on pictures from China it seems as if they've both aged by 2 or 3 years.
ALEX...
He is growing into a young man right before my eyes. He's sensitive and smart and goofy and just flat out COOL. He is well-liked by all (including the girls unfortunately). He's changing and growing and eating SO much. Right now he's playing football and enjoying being one of the big guys for a change. As soon as football season is over he goes straight into basketball, which is his favorite and best sport. He is really looking forward to that. We are still working our way through the ups and downs of parenting a teenager. It's not an easy job, but very rewarding on the days we have those "a-ha" moments. He's a great talker and shows great discernment for such a young guy. There's something very special about Alex and we tell him that often. He is very hard on himself. We are learning as we go here and I'm thankful for little victories and trusting God for great things. We are starting to talk girls, driving, college, and career... my-oh-my.
ANSLEY...
She is a sweetheart and such a great kid. She's confident and funny and helpful and SMART. She thinks ahead and helps me remember the things I forget... daily. She likes to cook. Eggs are her specialty, although she would tell you that she prefers to bake. She makes friends easily and is eager to include Ashlyn. She just told me that what she likes most about sharing a room with Ashlyn is that it's like having a sleepover with her best friend every night. Pinch me, please:) She loves to go with my mom on catering jobs. She loves to babysit her cousins Jacob (3, autistic) and Liam (1). And they totally ADORE her. When she goes over to my sister-in-laws house she organizes her closets for her:) She has aspirations to be a hair-stylest, shop owner, and movie producer.
AIDAN...
My little frog-loving Dennis-The-Menace, but the sweetest Dennis-The-Menace you'll ever meet. He is such a heartbreaker, but he makes ALL of his siblings crazy, especially Ashlyn. He loves to poke and prod and get a reaction out of her and she's yet to realize that if she could just ignore it he'd quit. She just can't understand why he acts the way he does. She is sweet to him though and does give him many 2nd chances. He'll bug the crap out of her all day long and then they'll be on the couch making Rainbow Loom bracelets together and I'll hear him say, "Thank you for teaching me how to do it Ashlyn. I'm sorry I've been so pesty." He was the first pick of the draft this year in Little League. He is a natural at baseball and we have no idea where he gets it. It is really quite something to watch him out there. He just gets in this zone... so confident. We are so proud of him and thankful that he has an outlet for all that extra energy. He is affectionate and smart and always laughing.
AVERLEIGH...
The sweetest little love I know. I love the age she's at right now (3). She melts my heart when she walks in the room. She's sunshine and lollipop's always. She is changing so much and learning so much... It's heartbreaking to think that my baby is not a baby anymore. She loves her Abby and pets her to death. She has learned how to spell her insanely long name and we are working on writing the letter "A". She has her own curriculum now and loves to do school work. She sings the calendar song and takes it all very seriously. She is everyone's favorite little person:) I love her little voice. She says the cutest things and has a great memory. She's quite logical for a 3-yr-old and comes out with the cutest phrases. She can also be a bit bossy:)
Matt is still in a hard season business-wise. Real Estate is so elusive right now. He's busier than ever, but more frustrated than ever. Deals fall apart more than they come together due to low appraisals and other "stuff". Surgeries for Ashlyn loom ahead. Home repairs are waiting and costly... Business is on the horizon though and we look forward to getting these things out of the way. It seems like so many things are on hold right now and it's been difficult to remain content.
I love what I do. Being a wife & a mom is the most rewarding job in the world. It's been a challenge for me lately to remember details and important things though. I get very distracted and forgetful. I am constantly interrupted. It's hard to find time alone and I am an introvert. I have to get up earlier, go to bed earlier, and sneak away sometimes to catch my breath. The days are full and sometimes exhausting. I find I have to take deep breaths alot. I get anxious when I am constantly on the go. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world though. I do not take my life for granted. I'm blessed to have a supportive husband who works from home too:)
I am considering making this blog private very soon for several reasons. I have no idea how many people actually read my blog on a regular basis. If you would like to continue following along, please let me know. I want to be a source for other potential adoptive families and I love keeping in touch with my bloggy friends, but I'm not sure I want just "anyone" reading the personal details of our life anymore.
What's going on in your life? How can I pray for you?
Blessings,
Rebecca
On to the latest...
ASHLYN HOPE...
Still amazing. Still sweet as can be. Still laughing and making the most of her circumstances. She started 7th grade 2 weeks ago. Our kids homeschool but go to a christian curriculum program that meets once a week. It's turning out to be a great fit for all of us. She is doing really good in math. That's really all the homework she is doing for now and they let her come for free:) We are still working on 2nd grade phonics with Abeka. She reads on about a 2nd grade level.
She is LOUD and talking ALOT these days... Oh my word, she makes my head spin. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. And she likes to interrupt me when I'm in other conversations, which is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves. She has wonderful manners other than that though... better than my other kids, that's for sure. She does not slurp her food like most Chinese kids, but she gets it ALL over her face. It's quite silly and we have to remind her to use her napkin. She'll say, "no, I don't need it" and we say, "oh yeah? Go look in the mirror!" and she gets this huge smile and says, "Uh-oh, that's ok". :)
She and Ansley are connected at the hip. I am sad to think of what life was like before she was here. Ansley has said repeatedly that she is thankful for the companionship of an older sister. They are almost the same developmental age and have similar interests. They are giggly and playful and helpful and just...AMAZING. I don't know what I'd do without them. They are my biggest helpers around the house. They babysit the little girls when I need to run the boys around town to sports practices or make a fast run to the grocery store, they empty and load the dishwasher, they sort and fold laundry (sometimes without me even asking), they play with the little girls, dress them when I'm in a pinch, and work odd jobs (stuffing envelopes) for daddy to earn big slurpees. I honestly could not do my job as full-time mother and homeschooler to 6 kids without them. When I hear the laughter coming from their bedroom I want to pinch myself. Who would've thought in a million years??? Certainly not me. God is good.
ABIGAIL JOY...
Miss Abby started kindergarten at the school for kids with special needs 2 weeks ago and she is doing fabulous. She has 3 adoring teachers and 12 sweet classmates. She is becoming quite ornery and stinky lately though. She likes to play with scissors and has cut her hair twice now. Ansley caught her in the act for a 3rd time today before she actually chopped anything. Thankfully you can't really tell and she still looks cute as a button:)
She isn't giving as much love to Averleigh lately and I'm a bit worried that the behaviors at school are rubbing off on her. She got in trouble for the first time ever at church 2 weeks ago when she and another little adopted fellow (who's deaf) got into it over a stick.
She doesn't cry when Matt teases her anymore, which is a huge relief. She goes to him as soon as she walks in the door from school and puts her arms up for hugs and kisses. She is saying a few words and signing more. She does "potty" "more" and "thank you". She is understanding much of what we tell her and responds to simple commands (goodness, I make her sound like a dog!).
Overall she is doing really well and growing up so fast! The change in both of our girls is remarkable. When I look back on pictures from China it seems as if they've both aged by 2 or 3 years.
ALEX...
He is growing into a young man right before my eyes. He's sensitive and smart and goofy and just flat out COOL. He is well-liked by all (including the girls unfortunately). He's changing and growing and eating SO much. Right now he's playing football and enjoying being one of the big guys for a change. As soon as football season is over he goes straight into basketball, which is his favorite and best sport. He is really looking forward to that. We are still working our way through the ups and downs of parenting a teenager. It's not an easy job, but very rewarding on the days we have those "a-ha" moments. He's a great talker and shows great discernment for such a young guy. There's something very special about Alex and we tell him that often. He is very hard on himself. We are learning as we go here and I'm thankful for little victories and trusting God for great things. We are starting to talk girls, driving, college, and career... my-oh-my.
ANSLEY...
She is a sweetheart and such a great kid. She's confident and funny and helpful and SMART. She thinks ahead and helps me remember the things I forget... daily. She likes to cook. Eggs are her specialty, although she would tell you that she prefers to bake. She makes friends easily and is eager to include Ashlyn. She just told me that what she likes most about sharing a room with Ashlyn is that it's like having a sleepover with her best friend every night. Pinch me, please:) She loves to go with my mom on catering jobs. She loves to babysit her cousins Jacob (3, autistic) and Liam (1). And they totally ADORE her. When she goes over to my sister-in-laws house she organizes her closets for her:) She has aspirations to be a hair-stylest, shop owner, and movie producer.
AIDAN...
My little frog-loving Dennis-The-Menace, but the sweetest Dennis-The-Menace you'll ever meet. He is such a heartbreaker, but he makes ALL of his siblings crazy, especially Ashlyn. He loves to poke and prod and get a reaction out of her and she's yet to realize that if she could just ignore it he'd quit. She just can't understand why he acts the way he does. She is sweet to him though and does give him many 2nd chances. He'll bug the crap out of her all day long and then they'll be on the couch making Rainbow Loom bracelets together and I'll hear him say, "Thank you for teaching me how to do it Ashlyn. I'm sorry I've been so pesty." He was the first pick of the draft this year in Little League. He is a natural at baseball and we have no idea where he gets it. It is really quite something to watch him out there. He just gets in this zone... so confident. We are so proud of him and thankful that he has an outlet for all that extra energy. He is affectionate and smart and always laughing.
AVERLEIGH...
The sweetest little love I know. I love the age she's at right now (3). She melts my heart when she walks in the room. She's sunshine and lollipop's always. She is changing so much and learning so much... It's heartbreaking to think that my baby is not a baby anymore. She loves her Abby and pets her to death. She has learned how to spell her insanely long name and we are working on writing the letter "A". She has her own curriculum now and loves to do school work. She sings the calendar song and takes it all very seriously. She is everyone's favorite little person:) I love her little voice. She says the cutest things and has a great memory. She's quite logical for a 3-yr-old and comes out with the cutest phrases. She can also be a bit bossy:)
Matt is still in a hard season business-wise. Real Estate is so elusive right now. He's busier than ever, but more frustrated than ever. Deals fall apart more than they come together due to low appraisals and other "stuff". Surgeries for Ashlyn loom ahead. Home repairs are waiting and costly... Business is on the horizon though and we look forward to getting these things out of the way. It seems like so many things are on hold right now and it's been difficult to remain content.
I love what I do. Being a wife & a mom is the most rewarding job in the world. It's been a challenge for me lately to remember details and important things though. I get very distracted and forgetful. I am constantly interrupted. It's hard to find time alone and I am an introvert. I have to get up earlier, go to bed earlier, and sneak away sometimes to catch my breath. The days are full and sometimes exhausting. I find I have to take deep breaths alot. I get anxious when I am constantly on the go. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world though. I do not take my life for granted. I'm blessed to have a supportive husband who works from home too:)
I am considering making this blog private very soon for several reasons. I have no idea how many people actually read my blog on a regular basis. If you would like to continue following along, please let me know. I want to be a source for other potential adoptive families and I love keeping in touch with my bloggy friends, but I'm not sure I want just "anyone" reading the personal details of our life anymore.
What's going on in your life? How can I pray for you?
Blessings,
Rebecca
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