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| "Is this how you do it?" |
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| "Im trying my hardest, momma" |
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| "Nevermind that, look how cute I am holding this stuffed toy." |
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| Oh those sweet cheeks!!! |
I love my friends to the right (side bar)... ALL of them. They may not even know they are my "friends", but I wouldn't be here without them. So they truly are special to me. And I feel very protective of them. When they share from their hearts, I want to reach out and hug them and thank them and tell them what a blessing they are to me.
Thank you especially to Sonia, Veronica, Desiree, Shawnee, Sarah, Jennifer,& Vickie.
You guys hold nothing back, and although it's hard to hear, I know I need to hear it! Don't stop being real. We pre-adoptees need to know the truth. Everyone walking this path of adoption needs to know what they are really getting themselves into, in order to make an educated decision. Not to mention, we are just so much more equipped on the back side. It's one thing to have all the paperwork done and travel expenses taken care of, it's an entirely different thing to have some understanding of what may happen once everyone is home & under the same roof.
I have known since we decided to re-open our adoption of Ashlyn that this wasn't going to be a cake walk. We are fine with that. But it's the realization that things may get really ugly that has gotten me down this week.
All of these long months have served to prepare our hearts for whatever the Lord may have for us. We are as ready as we'll ever be...
But are we?
I know you BTDT parents are thinking, "Girl, you have no idea..."
And you're right. I really don't.
So I'm stuck in between 2 places and maybe you can help me.
My dilema is, do I throw away my fears and go ahead and hope for the best, or do I protect myself and not get too excited?
I have envisioned our first meeting with Ashlyn for 2 years now. Up until about a year & 1/2 ago, all I could picture was our family walking excitedly into a room and seeing her standing by her nanny, and me walking over to her, tears rolling down my face, and hugging her tight. She looks up & smiles at me.
Now I picture this...
We nervously walk into a room where she is shyly standing next to her nanny. We are all very quiet, and did I mention nervous? Matt & I are trying to be cool and not cry. They introduce us to her and she makes a little eye contact and gives a slight smile. Then we all sit down and I nervously hand her a gift... It's a scrapbook of her new life. I try to be upbeat and make her feel as comfortable as possible. Matt, Alex, & Ansley are quiet. It's awkward. That's the best word I can come up with. All the while there is a buzz of very loud Chinese people rambling constantly all around us; talking over each other... Like it's just any other ordinary day.
Sounds depressing, doesn't it?
We just don't want to rush her or overwhelm her. So we will follow her cues. If she makes eye contact and smiles, we will smile bigger. If she is laughing and being silly, we will too! If she needs space, we will give it. Whatever it takes to make her feel safe and comfortable.
But there is always that chance (about 50%) that she won't want to come home with us. They will let her decide.
I can't even imagine...
But I know that I know that I know that this was ordained by God and for His glory. He will continue to walk with us every step of the way. I am confident of that. I know that He is near. He revealed that to me in a dream a few nights ago. I felt how close He was to me for the first time. REALLY felt it. Not just knew it, felt it.
Hoping for a Tuesday consolate date and that we'll know something tomorrow!!!
Blessings,
Rebecca
Oh Rebecca, it's so normal to be nervous. I know that you've heard this before, but I think that you can prepare for the worst, but still be really excited and enthusiastic and expectant of something WONDERFUL. Because for sure, God is going to do AMAZING things in your heart and life and in the hearts of these two precious girls...and that is pretty wonderful!
ReplyDeleteOh, and those pictures are adorable!!!
ReplyDeleteWow, I am so glad you are preparing your heart for what might be difficult. As the adoptive mom of two older kids, I tell ya, it has yet to turn out the way I envisioned. BUT...I know of many stories that are quite fairytale-like. It's so hard to know. I am glad you are bracing yourself though. That's way better than being in la-la land, only to be kicked in the gut by reality.
ReplyDeleteWow, I'm a bowl of cherries, huh?
Really, friend...it can be wonderful/horrific. It's just so hard to know how it will turn out. Pray like CRAZY. That's the best advice I have for you.
And feel free to CALL me for more advice, if you want it!
Precious photos!
ReplyDeleteAs Lori says, it is hard to know how things will turn out, but she is right -- some older adoption stories are so smooth and joyful they almost sound like fairy tales. Maybe yours will be the same. I say prepare for the worst BUT hope for the best. :-)
I think it sounds like Ashlyn has had some great preparation for this adoption. This is not something that is coming on her unexpectedly, as I told you happened with our teen. Though the reality of being adopted probably won't totally match up with her daydream, I still think it sounds like she is genuinely wanting this and preparing for it, and I think your family is well set-up for receiving her warmly, regardless of whether the first meeting "feels awkward." Hang in there!
Blessings,
Shawnee
Hello from another mom who has BTDT--cleft affected, older child : ) I think you go into Gotcha Day with high hopes and LOTS of prayer, realizing that it most likely will be awkward. It just is! But that doesn't always mean bad. I am so, SO thankful your husband is going with you! That will definitely help. And from personal experience, you have an awesome agency so that is working in your favor too! One of the things I wish I had done was have a frank conversation with my daughter via our guide on the first night...before going back to finalize. NOT to give her an out, but just to get some things out in the open.(assuming she will talk) I wish I had asked her how she felt. And let her know that it was okay to be scared, nervous, etc... I would have told her how much we wanted her, how excited we were. And I would have tried to get an idea of how "on board" she was with the adoption. Again, not to give her an out, just to start the conversation. In my daughter's case she really did not want to leave China. I wish I had known this before we left so we could talk about it, so I could have let her know it was okay to tell me that, it didn't hurt my feelings. Instead, she pretended for 8 long months before she finally told me that she never wanted to leave China. Oh how I wish I had known that early on so we could have been talking about it. Honestly, I'm not sure she would have shared much if I had asked in China...but I will always wonder and wish I had tried. I feel like it would have gotten things off to a better start. I am praying for you! I will continue to pray throughout your trip. God is sovereign. He knows all the details. And He is always good. I'm happy to chat at any time. Shelley
ReplyDeleteGreat stuff here Rebecca - great input from other BTDT mom's - how about a dad's POV? (There aren't many of us that bother to comment - but many of us lurk!) So maybe I'm writing more to Matt than you - but hopefully all might find these thoughts helpful.
ReplyDeleteAdopting an older child - you have more courage than me - I've always feared this, the oldest we've adopted was 2 on the day we recieved him. That said - I know many who have and I've been active in the adoption world for about 10 years now...somethings that I've learned from our experience as well as talking with others;
First and maybe most important - expect the bond to come more slowly - and from a dad's perspective - "fake it until you make it" are words to live by. That doesn't mean that it won't or can't "happen" in a second - but it means that you are dealing with a pretty well formed personality and will need to grow on each other!
Second - try to keep seeing things from her perspective. An example might help. So, she's quiet and sitting away from all of you in the hotel room (she "clams up" kind of behavior). As a parent your desire might be to run over and hug and comfort. Good things - but that is YOUR desire. Before you start trying to break through ask yourself why she is doing this and what would YOU want if you were HER. Then consider walking over and saying "Jie jie - you seem sad or scared to me. I understand that, I would feel that way, and I'm a little scared right now too. I'm available to you for comfort when you are ready for that, and it might feel good for us to be scared together. But I will let you have the time and space you need for yourself. I'll be right over here when you are ready." And then be completely available to her until it's over.
Finally, explain things! You guys have had your children's lifetimes to come up with "expected behaviors and family dynamics". You take them for granted, mom "always" packs suitcases but dad "always" manages paperwork, while the kids "always" put things back where they got them as examples. She won't know any of them - and she will have some that YOU don't know anything about. Being aware of that will give you an opportunity to help her learn what those dynamics are through words and without "hard feelings".
One last thought - and it's really just a flip flop of Shawnee's - expect the best - BUT - prepare for the worst. If everyone in the family is working together to help get through the adjustment then it will come more easily! It may be harder for the kids even than for the parents - but it will come! Don't hesitate to vent and ask with us - you are now a part of a much larger "extended family" - all of us who have adopted KNOW we are all in this together! That's a real "value added benifit" to adoption!
Prayers - and great joy and excitement with you!
hugs - aus and co.
Wow! You guys... Thank you so much for your advice and encouragement and your support. I'm so thankful for each and every one of you. Please keep us close in prayer.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Rebecca
You know, our first meeting with Josh was the first story...he was anxious and excited. And things went really well in China. Then reality set in and things took a turn for the worse. But, Josh has RAD and ADHD. So it's a bit different. I am sure they are preparing your kids for adoption. And I am sure if you lean on Him and pray it will be fine. There may be some times of stress but hang in there!!
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree with AUS...fake it until you make it, is my motto right now!!
ReplyDelete