Parenting is absolutely the toughest job in the world. I used to think (pre-kids) that parents with an unruly or disobedient child just needed to discipline that child more and everything would fall into place... As if the parent holds all control in the palm of their hand. I found out first-hand when our sweet, perfect, eldest baby boy turned about 18-months-old that this was certainly the biggest parenting lie I had ever bought into. Something snapped in him (literally overnight) and he became consumed with turning the tides of control in our home. It was an all-out, daily battle over even the smallest of things to make this precious little boy of mine submit to my (our) authority. It was exhausting, discouraging, humiliating, frustrating, and down right ANNOYING. I hated that everywhere we went, we had to take the paddle. I hated that I was embarrassed. I hated how it appeared that I wasn't a "good mom" and he wasn't a "well-behaved child". I hated that others were judging me (us), even if not out loud. I hated that all of his wonderful qualities were paling in comparison to the difficult behaviors. (And this child does not have any "special needs" or diagnoses... He is very typical in every way).
I lived daily with so much guilt, fear, worry, doubt, & anxiety. I thought, if I can't get a hold of this child now, what's he going to be like at 15?!
Being around moms of compliant children made me cringe... You know the type... It just made me want to pop that mom's smug little eyeballs out:) I mean this in jest of course... And it's easier to love them and laugh about it now because I can honestly say that I am thankful for the journey God has had me on. It has grown me in so many ways. AND all 6 of my children are very different.
Let me just encourage you today, if you are a mom to a complex child...
God is FOR YOU. He is for your child. He has great plans for you and your child and He has said that He will never leave you or forsake you. AND HE NEVER MAKES MISTAKES! Whatever you're experienceing in parenting, God wants to use it to grow you and change you to be more like HIM. What the enemy intends for evil, God will use for good, if we trust in Him. He wants for us to learn to submit to Him and trust only in Him.
Our trust is not in self and how we parent in order to make them "well-behaved children"... It is trust in Christ alone.... That He will bridge the gap where we fall short. Because we ALL fall short. And we so desperately need God's grace to parent our children to love & follow Jesus and to love and serve others in a broken world.
The idea of raising "well-behaved children" is more about our parental pride than it is about nurturing the heart of the child to glorify to their Creator. "Well-behaved" should never be our goal. Heart-change is what we really should be after. No one is good by nature... NO, NOT EVEN ONE. "Folly is bound up in the heart of every child..."
After many frustrating years I have finally figured out that parenting is nothing like math. 2+2 does not always equal 4 and A+B does not always equal C. In other words, what you put in may not necessarily be what you get out. You may be a wonderful mom or dad and you may pray and read your Bible daily and you may be adding all the right ingredients and STILL have a rebellious child. I know of several godly parents who have done "all the right" things and yet still have wayward children... Many pastors who have wayward children... Why is that??? Something to ponder...
This is where we allow God's grace to minister to our weary hearts and rely on Him as sovereign God, who holds all things in the palm of His hands.
Let's also not forget to give God praise and all the credit for those moments when our children do make us proud, because there are many proud parenting moments to be thankful for. Let's give credit where credit is due...
...And let's offer an extra measure of grace when we see a mom parenting (or even not parenting) a difficult child. You never know what is really happening in that home, so don't be so quick to judge.
I want to share more at another time about raising strong-willed children because this is an area where God has really moved in our home and shown me great things about Himself. He has walked through many valleys with me (us) and I can honestly say that He has shown me some light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not there yet, but I see it on the horizon... So many good things happening in the heart of my baby boy. God has GREAT plans. I pray that we will remain steadfast, immoveable, and faithful to the task set before us.
If you're raising a difficult child and need some direction and encouragement, "Parenting Isn't For Cowards", by James Dobson is one of my favorites. But nothing has ministered to my soul more than spending time with the Lord. He knows my needs before I even ask.
The article below is by Paul David Tripp (Ted Tripp's brother "Shepherding A Child's Heart"):
The Idol of Control
<<< The Idol of Appreciation
The past two weeks I've been posting about common struggles that parents face. Two weeks ago we looked at the idol of success and how we often view our children as our trophies instead of God's creation. Last week, in light of Mother's Day, we looked at the idol of appreciation. To round out this series, we'll look at one final struggle - the idol of control.
I'm increasingly persuaded that there are only two ways of living: 1) trusting God and living in submission to his will and his rule, or 2) trying to be God. There's little in between. As sinners we seem to be better at the latter than we are at the former!
This spiritual dynamic hits right at the heart of parenting. Successful parenting is about rightful, God-ordained loss of control. The goal of parenting is to raise children who were once totally dependent on us to be independent, mature people who, with reliance on God and proper connectedness to the Christian community, are able to stand on their own two feet.
In the early years of parenting, we're in control of everything, and although we complain about the stress of it all, we like having the power! There's little that an infant chooses to do, other than spontaneous bodily functions. We choose their food, times of rest, manner of physical exercise, what they see and hear, where they go, who their friends are, and the list could go on and on.
However, the truth is that from day one our children are growing independent. The baby who once was unable to roll over without assistance can now crawl into the bathroom without our permission and unravel the entire roll of toilet paper! This same child will soon be driving away from the house to places well out of our parental reach.
How many parents have struggled with the friends that their children have chosen? Yes, the choice of companions is a very serious matter, but it's also a place where we surrender control to a maturing child. The goal of parenting is not to retain tight-fisted control over our children in an attempt to guarantee their safety and our sanity. Only God is able to exercise that kind of control.
Instead, the goal is to be used of him to instill in our children an ever-maturing self-control through the principles of the Word, and to allow them to exercise ever-widening circles of choice, control, and independence.
As a counselor and pastor, I regularly worked with parents who wanted to turn back the clock. They thought that the only hope was to go back to the former days of total control. They tried to treat their teenager like a little child. They ended up more like jailers than parents, and they forgot to minister the Gospel that was the only hope in those crucial moments of struggle.
It's vital that we remember three truths of the Gospel, as it pertains to these parenting struggles:
The past two weeks I've been posting about common struggles that parents face. Two weeks ago we looked at the idol of success and how we often view our children as our trophies instead of God's creation. Last week, in light of Mother's Day, we looked at the idol of appreciation. To round out this series, we'll look at one final struggle - the idol of control.
I'm increasingly persuaded that there are only two ways of living: 1) trusting God and living in submission to his will and his rule, or 2) trying to be God. There's little in between. As sinners we seem to be better at the latter than we are at the former!
This spiritual dynamic hits right at the heart of parenting. Successful parenting is about rightful, God-ordained loss of control. The goal of parenting is to raise children who were once totally dependent on us to be independent, mature people who, with reliance on God and proper connectedness to the Christian community, are able to stand on their own two feet.
In the early years of parenting, we're in control of everything, and although we complain about the stress of it all, we like having the power! There's little that an infant chooses to do, other than spontaneous bodily functions. We choose their food, times of rest, manner of physical exercise, what they see and hear, where they go, who their friends are, and the list could go on and on.
However, the truth is that from day one our children are growing independent. The baby who once was unable to roll over without assistance can now crawl into the bathroom without our permission and unravel the entire roll of toilet paper! This same child will soon be driving away from the house to places well out of our parental reach.
How many parents have struggled with the friends that their children have chosen? Yes, the choice of companions is a very serious matter, but it's also a place where we surrender control to a maturing child. The goal of parenting is not to retain tight-fisted control over our children in an attempt to guarantee their safety and our sanity. Only God is able to exercise that kind of control.
Instead, the goal is to be used of him to instill in our children an ever-maturing self-control through the principles of the Word, and to allow them to exercise ever-widening circles of choice, control, and independence.
As a counselor and pastor, I regularly worked with parents who wanted to turn back the clock. They thought that the only hope was to go back to the former days of total control. They tried to treat their teenager like a little child. They ended up more like jailers than parents, and they forgot to minister the Gospel that was the only hope in those crucial moments of struggle.
It's vital that we remember three truths of the Gospel, as it pertains to these parenting struggles:
- There's no situation that isn't under control, because Christ rules over all things for the sake of the church (Ephesians 1:22).
- Not only is the situation under control, but God is at work in it doing the good that he has promised to do (Romans 8:28). So I don't need to control my maturing child's every desire, thought, and action. In each situation, he or she is under the sovereign control of Christ, who is accomplishing what I cannot.
- I need to remember that the goal of my parenting isn't to conform my children to my image, but to work so that they're conformed to the image of Christ. My goal isn't to clone my tastes, opinions, and habits within my kids. I'm not looking for my image in them; I long to see Christ's.
Posted by benfallon@paultrippministries.org
Blessings,
Rebecca
Thank you for these amazing words from your heart Rebecca. And my favorite part of the article you shared:
ReplyDelete"Instead of seeing moments of struggle as God-given doors of opportunity, we'll view them as frustrating, disappointing irritants, and we'll experience growing anger against the very children to whom we've been called to minister."
Now this should be posted on my refrigerator! So very thankful for this perspective as I minister to my "spirited child."
xo
Lori
Did you just write my story?? I had no idea how stinkin' prideful I was until I started on this adoption journey...special needs, strong wills, defiance, stronger wills...Oh, my word, how my God loves me to change my heart so much!
ReplyDeleteYou wrote this awhile back, but I'm just now getting to post a comment. (I'm slow!) ; )
ReplyDeleteI read the article you wrote about and I agree with your thoughts. As I thought about it later, I started to realize that the author never, not once mentioned G*d. Never mentioned the Spiritual side of parenting an unruly child. I think that is what I was effected by in that particular article. She has a blog with a large following and it is ALL based on her Faith. I wonder if it was that she was writing a Guest post for a professional, not necessarily Christian blog? I think that I would have to really pray about writing a Guest Post and NOT write similarly to my own blog? hmmm
Just "my" thoughts. ~ Jo