Day By Day...

We are just a few weeks away from our 2-year gotcha day celebration. It's hard to believe. I don't have any pictures to post at the moment, but I wanted to update my blog on where we are in the process of bringing 2 adopted children into our family. Ashlyn (14) and Abby (6) are still doing really well. I continue to remind myself on a regular basis how blessed we are. I am most thankful that our biological kids all really love our adopted kids. The Lord has sealed that and it's a total miracle; a gift. Our adopted kids function on a day to day basis very much like our biological kids. Although Abby has Down syndrome, she has no negative behaviors that prevent her from being an active part of society, and she is by no means a threat to anyone. We never have to separate her from her peers, even at church. She is very high functioning and well-behaved. From an outsiders perspective, our girls are very "normal". I have thought before that if Ashlyn and Abby were our only kids, parenting would be a piece of cake. But throw 2 girls with special needs who have gaping holes in their hearts into a family of 6 and... well, it's not easy. I would say that at this stage of our process, Ashlyn's greatest struggle is with security and identity. If you came over and spent the day with us, you'd never see it though. She is happy and helpful and appropriate in her behavior. You never have to tell her twice to do anything. She makes her bed, cleans up her half of the room, cleans up after herself (and other's too from time to time), does her homework, and helps keep an extra watchful eye on little sisters... all without even being asked. This is flat out AWESOME and such a blessing to me as a busy mom. I can ALWAYS count on her. I can trust her and that is huge. She is truthful and responsible. She is just a really great girl. Her heart is kind and she is eager to learn. She is thoughtful and considerate towards others. She is also generous. She works very hard at school, and although she was slow to believe she could do it, she ended up with straight A's this first quarter and earned herself a new laptop computer. I answer questions for her and help give her guidance when needed, but she earned those A's all on her own. Her math teacher called me a few weeks ago to tell me that Ashlyn is doing off-the-charts-amazing in her class. She said she's even scoring high on the word problems. The ironic thing is that Ashlyn never completed one assignment in China. She said she never did her work and the teachers didn't care. It's so hard to believe.

Ashlyn is a very complex individual though; understandably. She is all those things I just listed above and then she is also a very emotionally young little girl. She is routined and never forgets a thing. If you're looking for something, Ashlyn always knows exactly where it is. She knows where everyone is at all times. While this does come in handy to a forgetful mom of 6, it can also be very annoying. Like if I go out and tell her I'll be home around 6:00, she will expect me to walk in the door not a minute too soon or too late. If I come home at 6:15 she will say, "oh mom, you said you were going to be home at 6:00 and it's 6:15". Or if I come home at 5:45 instead of 6:00... you get where I'm going. This happens almost daily because in a large family it is very hard to be exact about everything ALL THE TIME. And she always begins the sentence with, "oh mom". I remind her that we've never NOT come back; that we always DO come back, and that I NEVER plan on not coming back. She has a cell phone to call if she's concerned. But she's NOT concerned. For some reason, and I believe I do know why, she just feels the need to inform me of the facts. It's not just an issue of time. This mentality is played out in other areas of her life. She is a scorekeeper. If I hug Ansley (12), Ashlyn will come for a hug. If Ansley sits in the front seat on the way to school, Ashlyn will remember that she gets to sit in the front seat on the way home. If Ansley comes in my bedroom at night to tell me something after I've gone to bed, Ashlyn will follow. Part of this is because I think she follows Ansley's cue's as to what is appropriate to take from me and Ashlyn needs A LOT. She is always in need of affection/attention from me. I have had to gently nudge her out of the nest. She's like the little bear cub that I always feel bad for when watching the Discovery Channel. You know, the one who cuddles up to nurse and the mommy bear pushes her away & is like, "No way. You're too old for that. Now get off of me and go play!" That is how I feel. It's suffocating sometimes. She just has such a big hole to fill. There are many reasons why this is unhealthy for her. It's also unhealthy for me, my husband, and my other 5 children. So we talk a lot. And she's great about that. She's a good listener and has a teachable spirit, for the most part. I am very honest and open with her. We talk about all sorts of feelings and emotions and I make sure to tell her that they are all normal. My feelings are normal and so are hers. You can not deny someone of their own human feelings and emotions. It's not a matter of "should we have them", but of "that we DO have them", and "what are they trying to tell us"? She and I were on a walk one day and a guy rode by on his bike with loud music playing. The gist of the song was that sex and money don't satisfy. She laughed and said, "you know mom, that's true." Which was a great opener to the conversation about the only thing that does. Jesus. I told her that looking to people or things to satisfy the longings of her heart would only leave her disappointed. It was a sweet conversation and I'm so thankful that God gives us those teachable moments with our kids. Going for walks with her are always good. Matt and I take our kids on individual dates too, and that seems to be a big win with her. There's so much that goes on beneath the surface with these kids. I find that much of the behaviors that we are dealing with seemed like a good thing at first, but over time they've started to smell stinky. I think she has dealt with some disappointment in regards to that because she SO LOVED that honeymoon stage. I remember sitting around a lot those first few weeks home and watching movies together (with her sitting next to me, head on my shoulder), playing ping pong, having company over to meet her and Abby, getting to know one another... It was such a fun time. But life had to resume. Dad had to get back to work. Kids had to get back to (home)school. I had to get back to teaching, doing laundry, cleaning the house... She is no longer the star of the show. She's just one of us now. I don't apologize for that. There is no preferential treatment around here. For the past year and a half it's been real life. The hard part of adoption. Raising funds, getting through the paper chase, planning, and torturing myself with fears and worries of the unknown was nothing compared to this. That stuff is so dreamy. This is reality and it isn't always romantic. But it's SO worth it. And we continue to evolve as a family. We are a work in progress. I feel like we are growing in ways that we never would have even known we needed growth in. I look ahead to the future with great hope that my kids will look back on their childhood and the path that Matt and I chose for our family and be thankful. I pray that the good memories will outweigh the bad ones. I realize my need for God more than I ever have before and that is always a good thing. He shows me the ickiness inside of me and then He shows me how great He is. He reminds me that he is at work in me and my family. He has proven Himself loving and kind and near. His grace and longsuffering are a mystery to me, but I will spend my whole life as a student of it. I want to be more like that every day. Dying to my own selfishness and clinging to Him. Setting aside my flesh and keeping my eyes intently on Him. One day at a time...

More to come...

Blessings,
Rebecca