Irritable Me...

Here's where we're at 9 months in...

First, the things we are not dealing with that we thought we would be...

1. anger, rage, rebelliousness, jealousy, rejection towards any of us...
2. institutional behaviors; manipulation, triangulation, lying, stealing, cheating, bullying... of any sort.
3. night terrors, hoarding, stashing away food...
4. bad attitude, isolation...

I am in constant awe of how well our girls have transitioned into their new lives. This is an obvious miracle. Anyone who knows the typical adjustments in bringing newly adopted (especially older) children into a family would look at us and either say, "Well, just give them time" or "WOW". I am choosing to say, "WOW". God is good. But He is ALWAYS good. So, even when things do not go my way, I know without a doubt that it is inevitably for my good and His glory and He will use it to refine me, prune me, make me more dependant on Him... and hopefully more like Him.

With that said, here's a little reality for ya...

I am so thankful for my life, but I am tired.

I am an introvert by nature and I love to be alone. One of my favorite things to do is sit outside on my back porch, with a good book or my Bible and listen to the wind blow through the trees (which is what I'm doing right now). I love to take hot baths after dinner with lots of bubbles, lavendar epsom salts, and candles burning. I love to listen to worship music and clean my house in solitude. I love going out to dinner just me and my husband and having a glass of red wine. I love to go to lunch with a good friend and really talk & really listen.

With six kids it is no surprise that these moments are fewer and farther between these days. I make time each and every single day for some quiet time during little girl's naps and I almost always take a bath after dinner, but my days are so rushed and so full. Full of good things, but full nontheless.

I hate it when people take on a lot of stuff and then "complain" about how busy they are. This is not that. I am not complaining. I chose this life. I chose to be a stay at home mom and have 6 kids and I wouldn't trade any of it for all the money in the world. I love having my hands full of children. Is there anything more rewarding? For me, there is NOTHING more rewarding than raising/discipling a family. And I am humbled that God would look upon me with such favor as to bless me with the opportunity to pour into the lives of 6 of His children.

Why me, God?

I will never understand what He sees in me...

I do know that when He looks at me He sees His Son Jesus. He sees that I am lowly and sinful and covered in the blood of Jesus. He sees that I am needy and weak and strong in His Son Jesus. He sees that I am fragile and broken, yet whole because of His Son Jesus.

But as we all know, nothing worthwhile in life ever comes easy. To do a job well there is always some level or degree of sacrifice involoved. There are always cons with the pros.

Right now I am trying to catch my balance in my new normal. What I used to do with ease is now more rugged. I feel like I am re-learning how to do this mommy thing all over again... Like having a baby for the very first time. I am learning how to give more of myself, even though I have less. And herein lies my biggest challenge... How to give more from less...

I don't really know how to explain what is going on right now with Ashlyn. I'll yell you that I feel like she needs more of me some days (not always) than I have to give and it drains me and makes me irritable. I love her big-time and she's a delightful child, but I am tapped out right now. I feel like she is testing me lately to see how much more I will give her. Crazy as it sounds, it bothers me that she doesn't seem to be very considerate of the fact that she is not an only child and I am just one person.

It's not that she's selfish, because she's not. She just really desires a lot of me.

Here are a couple of examples of the things that are bugging me:

1.) Our car seats 8 people. 3 in the back, 3 in the middle row, and 2 up front. We put our 3 youngest kids in the middle row... Abby, Aidan, & Averleigh... in that order. The 3 big kids sit in the back row.
We drive to Canada every summer and our bio kids are AMAZING, WORLD-CLASS travelers. They LOVE the journey and we break it up with fun things along the way. This being Ashlyn's (& Abby's) first long car ride, we expected that it would not be as "fun" for them. Abby handled it like a pro and did great. Ashlyn... not so much. She pouted and stared out the window and argued about not wanting the middle seat, even though we told the kids in the back row that everyone would have to sit in the middle for part of the journey. Alex & Ansley were just fine with it. I venture to say that Ashlyn told us at least a dozen times every hour that she did not want to sit in the middle. This gets annoying after about the 3rd time. Annoying because why should the other 2 have to sit in the middle and not her? And we reminded her of this fact every time she brought it up, asked her not to bring it up again, and then had to scold her when she would... more pouting. It's not as if they were having a miserable time back there either. They had iTouches, movies, books, wacky mad-libs, snacks, & they put Alex's hair in pig-tails:) There was a lot of laughter, a lot of pit-stops, and a lot of chocolate! And even though she had the time of her life in Canada and even cried when we had to leave, she asks us all the time if we are going to Canada next year and if so, can she stay at home alone.

crazy-fun!

2.) She hated the beach... our very favorite, most needed week of the entire year. It's MY week. It's our down-time, our FAMILY time. We use this week every summer to regroup, refresh, relax, and pray about the upcoming school year... and she pouted and said, "I don't like the beach" every single day. It's not like she doesn't like the water, because she totally does. Swimming is seriously her favorite activity and we spent way more time at the pool than the ocean. But she made up her mind that she didn't like the taste of the ocean water (duh...) and that was that. She never wants to go to the beach again.

enjoying watching the rocket take off from the beach at night.

She loves the pool!

looks like she isn't having too terrible of a time...

 m.i.s.e.r.a.b.l.e.

3.) School has begun... Praise the Lord for structure and routine!!! I told the big kids that my mornings are devoted to teaching Averleigh and Aidan because they are too young to be independant (Abby goes to school), and that I will be happy to help them with any questions they may have once the little girls are down for naps after lunch. Still, Ashlyn comes to me with her math book, interrupting me every morning. Alex is there, willing to help her, but she is determined not to ask him. Matt is available too, BTW, but she only comes to me, even though I have hurt her feelings on more than one occasion by telling her she has to wait. She has other things to do, but she acts like she doesn't know what they are. We have bought her books on the Kindle, she has academic computer games of all sorts, crafty things to create, games she could play on the Wii, chores that she enjoys, and I even allow her to watch some TV. She is allowed to be in the same room as me. She doesn't have to leave my sight, so it's not like she's totally ignored. Ansley likes to do her work in her room and Alex has a desk in Matt's office. She is also welcome in both of those places and has even been invited. Ashlyn is very good in math, which is pre-algebra. She can do most of it on her own and I do stop quite a bit to explain little things here and there that are quick, but what she really wants is for me to sit down with her and help her do each and every problem. I am just not going to do that every day. Sometimes I do, but it isn't always necessary. It'd be one thing if we weren't together all day long. It's not like she never gets time alone with me, because she does! I spend alone time with each of my kids doing various things throughout the week. She reminds me all the time that she has math homework... It's a math obsession. And it's driving me crazy:)

4.)  Almost every Sunday I take a nap just because Sunday's wipe me out. We come home from church, eat lunch, put the little girls down for a nap, then Matt & the boys watch sports in the family room & I take a nap in my room... ALONE. And everyone knows that this is my time to be alone. Ashlyn and Ansley usually play upstairs or go outside and play, but I can always tell that Ashlyn wants to be entertained by me and doesn't like that we all go our own ways. This morning she asked me if she could watch TV in my room after church and I said, "no". As soon as we walked in the door from church I told the kids to change clothes and come down for lunch. She went upstairs and came back down in the same outfit asking if she could watch TV in my room today... again. Needless to say, I was not happy with her and I made sure she knew it. It is rare that I lose it on her but today was an exception and she sat at lunch pouting. The other thing that she does that pushes my buttons is that she asks me every day if she can wear pants. We live in Florida. It's like 97 degrees here today. In the summer it feels like it's 107. Yet, she asks me almost daily (maybe just weekly now) if she can wear jeans. There have been times I've said yes just so she'd be misreable, learn a lesson, and quit asking. You'd think she wouldn't complain about how hot she is in those pants, but she does...

5.) Ashlyn & Aidan... Oil & Water... Enough said;)

These things are small and much less taxing than many of the issues people have with their adopted children, and if Ashlyn was an only child it would be a piece of cake, but she's not. I would still say that living with her is a piece of cake because on most days I am pinching myself at how "easy" I have it. I feel ashamed that these small things get under my skin. I admit that it's not good that I get flustered by them... But I am only human. I push the urge down most days and pray for grace and patience, but my frustration lies in the fact that I just don't really know all of her yet and I don't know how to communicate all that needs to be said. I can't make up for 13 lost years in 9 months.

If you think about what has just occured in her life, it's incredible that this is our biggest struggle.

I'm not complaining, I'm just venting. Somehow it takes the weight off my shoulders if I can write about it.

Now I will go hug my girl and tell her how thankful I am that she loves me;)

Please pray for me. I've been very irritable lately.

How can I pray for you?

Blessings,
Rebecca