The Strong-Willed Child

We took these pictures at my cousins wedding in Nashville last week. I especially love this one with Alex & Abby.

I failed to post Alex's 14th birthday post, so this is in honor of that. I wanted to take a minute and encourage anyone reading this who may be parenting a "strong-willed" child... I also had permission from my sweet boy to share this...

By no means am I a veteran. Alex is only 14. But when he was 3, I thought we may never get this far:) There were days that I could barely see to the next hour, let alone years down the road. Parenting is a funny thing. I think it's mighty brave of God to give us children without instruction manuals, especially because most of us do not hit the parental ground running with alot of spiritual growth and wisdom under our belts. For us at least, the spiritual growth has taken place because of and through parenting our children. I had NO idea just how little I knew and how much I needed God's hand in my life until I became a mom. This child has stretched us to limits we never would have gone to willingly, but I am so proud that I can look back and see that I had (have) way more fight in me and way more endurance than I EVER knew was there. It is ONLY by the grace of God that I can look back on the past 14 years and see progress and goodness and growth.

Many days I feel like a failure. I want to please my kids, yet I can't always do that... nor do I REALLY want to. Giving in to their every desire is not God's best for them. Many times, in order to make the choice to truly love them, I have to go against their wishes, and that is a tough thing to do.

When Alex was a little guy, the word "no" set off a ticking time bomb in him. He did not handle disappointment very well at all. I remember taking him to the playland in the mall one day for about an hour or so. Before we would leave to go ANYWHERE I would explain to him what we were doing, how long we were staying, and the behavior that was expected of him while we were there. Many times I would even give little rewards for his cooperation when I felt that he really deserved it, just because he was THAT difficult. I always gave him a 10 minute warning before it was time to go, but somehow he was just never ready. I'd remind him of our little chat and he'd start the whining... which would turn into a full-fledged flip-out. One day I said to him. "Ok. you can stay here, but I am leaving." As I started to walk out of the area he ran after me, smacking me on the backside. I kept walking and ignoring it. He'd run up and smack me again and I'd keep walking, all the while cringing inside from the pain of the slap and the embarassment it was causing me... especially after walking past a police officer on duty. I wondered what in the world he must be thinking of my child... probably picturing him in an orange jump-suit sometime in the near future, I'm sure:) Oh, and did I mention I was pregnant with Ansley?

We made it to the car that day and I somehow got him into his carseat and buckled him in, all the while he was fighting me every step of the way. I got in the front seat and started to drive off, preparing him for the spanking that was awaiting him at home and he took off his shoes and hurled them into the front seat, hitting me in the head. I will never forget that day. I cried my eyes out the whole way home, fought him into the house, spanked him, put him down for a nap, called Matt and said, "I don't know what to do anymore..." So we went for counseling...

I was defeated. I was tired. I was resentful. I was emotionally spent...

Yet the love we had (have) for him and the vision God had given us for this child was powerful. He was a real force to be reckon with and we knew God had something big in mind when He created Alex. I have always been dumbfounded that God saw something in us, immature and inexperienced as we were, that was worthy of being given such a privelege.

The love that Alex has in his heart is fierce. He has always been one of those kids that people love to be around. He makes great friends and he has a very discerning spirit. I never have to worry about how he behaves when he goes over to someone's house. As a matter of fact, for years, his friends parents thought we were crazy whenever we'd tell them of the things we have struggled through with him, which made it all the more harder, because we often wondered if we were just crazy.

I could go on and on and tell you dozens of stories that would probably make you laugh, but that were not at all laughable at the time... but I'll spare you. My point is that parenting stages are like little boxes.  In the moment it seems like we'll never be able to close that particular box, but somehow we do, and darn it all, if we don't look back and wish for that box back... wish that we could do it all over again. I look back and wonder how we got to 14 so fast. In each and every parenting trial (because we still have them, of course) it seems as if my life is going to come to a screeching halt and I will have to stand before the Lord right then and there and hear Him tell me what a failure I've been, what a mess I've made of my child, and what I should've done differently. Isn't that just like the enemy? Doesn't that sound just like him?

But then I step back and I recognize that God allows these blessings we call trials in order to teach us how to lean in to Him... how to take our eyes off of our weaknesses and focus on His strength.

Our children need to know that we are strong; that we will not give in to their every desire. Alex has often fought us, but as soon as we "wrestle him to the ground" and show him we are stronger, he lets go and relaxes. Peace washes over him and he is at rest. It is actually visable, the change that comes over him when he realizes that we are in this for the long haul and we are not giving up. I have told him many times that he can fight all he wants, but we will never let him go... we will always fight harder.

At 14 years of age Alex is a star athlete, a tenderhearted son, and a quiet leader. He is confident and well-liked. He could be a much better student of he'd try harder and he needs to be less critical and controlling of his siblings, but in due time I think these things will come. We look ahead to the future with great anticipation for all that God has in store for Alex's life. He has talked about possibly coaching basketball one day. Our only desire for him is that he would seek God's will for his life and be a God-loving, people-loving, God-honoring, people-serving man.

My not-so-expert advice to anyone parenting a strong-willed child would be to pray for wisdom, trust in the Lord always, devour the scriptures, worry less about what other people think, let your yes's be yes and your no's be no, but look for opportunities to give grace. Be firm and take action without re-action. That's the hardest part for me... not reacting to things. At 38 years of age (almost 39) I am just now learning the art of grace. Don't believe the parenting myth that you have to win every battle. Don't believe the legalistic lies that you can't ever be wrong or make a mistake. Our children like to know that we mess up too. Somehow I think it makes us more real, and certainly more relatable in their eyes.

If you are a parent of very compliant children, pray for humility:) And beware of parenting studies in the church that are centered on "first-time obedience". I'm not suggesting that we shouldn't expect our children to obey, but there is a movement out there that in my opinion is only going to drive children straight into rebellion. It's based on perfection and good-behavior and not on grace. Matt and I really try to think about the way God parents us when we are disciplining our children. Sometimes His measures are swift and strong, other times He is very long-suffering with us. Can you imagine what our lives would be like if God always parented with the "first-time obedience" rule? Something to chew on...

I  love to hear about your experiences and I love your input...

Anyone out there have any great nuggets of wisdom to share?

Blessings,
Rebecca